Drowning
by Ember to Ash
Summary: Starts at the beginning of the series. Elena struggles with anxiety and self-harm, and has alienated herself from her friends following the death of her parents. In the midst of it all, she meets Damon Salvatore, the mysterious new guy in town with the white-blue eyes. Will Damon show Elena what it feels like to be alive again? Warning: contains anxiety attacks, self-harm and rape
1. Prologue

I always wondered who I was supposed to be. People say we are destined for something, each of us, but I am not entirely sure they know what they are talking about. What if some of us are nothing more than just placeholders in this world? Perhaps we are just the product of two people who were looking for a night of misplaced loneliness, and decided to keep the baby that developed as a result. That is how I have always felt. My whole life, I have considered myself to be no one at all, considering that I have no real talents or passions. I'm capable of many things, though I have never been extraordinary at anything at all. I don't believe I am destined for anything at all, in particular, except to live until I die. Maybe I am wrong about my lack of purpose. Only time will tell if I was meant for something greater than what I am doing now.

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**a/n:**

**This is my first story here, and it is also my first time writing lengthy fiction. Constructive criticism welcome!**

**Note: there may be some sexual abuse in later chapters. Nothing graphic. There is also anxiety and self-harm in the next chapter. This fanfiction is a reflection of my life, (of course, the vampire stuff is extra!) So there is going to be some rough stuff. Please take care of yourself, and if Rape, Self-harm, or describing a panic attack will trigger you in any way, its okay if you skip this story. Stay strong, friends!**


	2. Chapter 1

**A/n**

**It is important to me that if you are struggling with depression, anxiety, self-harm, or the aftermath of rape, that you take care of yourself. These things will be mentioned in this story, it is how I deal with my own issues. If you are worried about being triggered, it is okay to skip this story. If you need help, please get help. You are not alone.**

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I wake to the sound of a buzzing alarm. Another day to mourn the loss of my parents, while pretending I am okay. Once a couple of months has passed after someone you love has died, people are not as generous about giving out grace towards depressed behavior.

Sometimes people think I have gone crazy, because over the course of one Summer I changed my style, broke up with my boyfriend Matt, and traded in my car for an old farm truck. Matt was a good boyfriend, as far as boyfriends go. I just no longer feel like the person I was when we started dating, before the accident. It seems unfair of me to stay with him when so much has changed, and things that mattered to me before no longer matter to me now. It was time to let it go and try to start over.

I rolled out of bed, and hopped in the shower. As I got ready for school, my first day of junior year, I couldn't help but realize it was the first time I was getting ready to go back to school without my mom there to encourage me and give me tips on the perfect outfit. Aunt Jenna offered to help, but it didn't feel right replacing my mother. I also didn't want it to be awkward for Jenna.

Three months ago, Jenna was a grad student, and now she is a parent to two teenagers. She accepted the responsibility of me and my younger brother Jeremy directly after the accident. She is the only living relative of my mother, who was Jenna's older sister. My father's brother, John, didn't want to accept Jeremy and I, even though he is in his mid-thirties and works from home. Jenna has been trying her hardest to be there for us, even though it is near impossible to know what to say or do for someone who is dealing with the loss of both of their parents.

I put the finishing touches on my simple make-up, threw on a long sleeved shirt, and walked downstairs. Jeremy was there, eyes bloodshot, as they regularly were the past couple of months. "Could you at least try not to look completely stoned on your first day of school?" I snapped at him. I didn't want people to think that everything was falling apart. I didn't want investigations into our home life. Jeremy rolled his eyes, scoffed, and went back to eating his cereal.

Jeremy was fifteen, a year younger than me. He was always a good student, with an incredible talent for drawing. Ever since our parents died, he started smoking a lot of pot and ignoring everyone, except for Matt's older sister Vicky, who he was obsessed with. Vicky was the one who got Jeremy into getting high. She knew he was in love with her, so she strung him along for his money, to buy more drugs. He seemed so lost. It was almost as if he didn't know how to be a person anymore, so he just stopped trying.

"Did Jenna leave already?" I asked Jeremy, who didn't even look up.

"Yeah, she said she had to meet with Mrs. Lockwood about a historical society thing before she headed to campus for class."

"Okay. Well, do you want a ride?"

Jeremy smirked. "No, I'm catching a ride with Vicky."

I didn't want to fight about it just then, so all I did was sigh and walk out the front door.

I got in my ttruck and tried to steady myself. It still made me anxious to be in cars. All I can think about was that night. Water slowly filling the car. It was suffocating me, I was unable to breathe, and unable to see. Every emotion I felt that night surged through me every time I entered a vehicle. Fighting for breath, I closed my eyes, and then opened them again. Attempting to take slow breaths, I began to focus on the tangible things around me. Trees. Breathe. Street. Breathe. People. Breathe.

Once I calmed down enough, I started my truck and began the drive to school. It wasn't very far, so I didn't have much time to stop the tears and try to look normal again. I had these anxiety attacks every day. My doctor gave me some medication for them, but I didn't like the way they made me feel. Whenever I took them, I felt disconnected from myself. Like I was on autopilot, without any concrete thoughts. I stopped taking them after a week.

When I pulled up to the school, I immediately scanned the crowds of arriving students. I wanted to find the path of least resistance to the doors, so I could get to my locker and get to class without having to talk to anyone. Most people avoid me now, because they're scared I will have a mental breakdown or something, but there was always my best friends Bonnie and Caroline, and there was Matt, who still thought I was going through a rough patch and would want to get back together after our time apart. The truth is, I don't know how to talk to people anymore. I have been avoiding text messages for over a month. Maybe at this point they won't want to try anymore, and they will just leave me alone.

School goes by in a blur. No one talks to me, and I prefer it that way. I like being alone now. I don't want to have to pretend to be okay anymore, because to be honest, it is completely exhausting. Bonnie and Caroline passed me in the halls and looked on me with pity, but they could tell I didn't want to talk to anyone right now. I guess that's how you know who your true friends are. They are the ones who see you the way you are, and respect you when you want some space. They are always there for you in the wings, waiting for you to reach out and need them by your side again.

I don't recall much about school, other than I have a new History teacher this year who has a really strange name. I can't really remember it, but it had something to do with Salt. Thats it, the only thing I remember after eight hours of classes.

I quietly walked back to my truck and was already mentally preparing myself. I didn't want to have an anxiety attack at school, so despite my rushed breaths, I hurried out of the parking lot and started making my way home. I turned onto a dirt road that was a shortcut to my house I discovered shortly after I got my driver's license. I drove about two miles down the road, then the choking began. My chest was so tight I thought a massive cinder block had been placed on top of me. I began to panic, and I struggled to pull myself together. I couldn't catch a grip on tangible reality, and like so many times before, I was sure that I was going to suffocate to death. I felt the water in my lungs, and closed my tear-drenched eyes.

Suddenly, there was a guy outside my window. He was talking to me, but the blood was rushing through my ears so hard that I couldn't hear what he was saying. He realized this, and just made slow, exaggerated breaths, encouraging me to mimic him. I rolled my window down, aching for fresh air in my lungs. This strange man looked directly into my eyes with a great deal of intensity. I vaguely noticed that they were a piercingly bright shade of ice blue. As I focused on taking slow, deep breaths, my hearing started to come back. The man never stopped looking at me as he instructed me to point out the things around me. After I listed off the trees, the pond, the fence, and the deer, my breathing returned to normal and I started to regain my ability to think clearly.

"Thanks, um, for your help. That was embarrassing."

He smiled at me, and I noticed it was an exceptionally beautiful one. Now that I looked at him, he was exceptionally beautiful in basically every physical aspect. Angular face, perfectly messy dark hair, and lean, muscular build. He looked like someone you only see in the movies or magazines. "It was no problem. I used to get a lot of anxiety attacks. They are nasty little things. I am just glad I could help. I didn't think anyone knew about these old back roads, though. I was just out for a walk and saw your truck."

Perplexed by his supermodel looks, I somehow scrounged up a sentence. "Who are you anyway? I've lived here my whole life, and I don't think I have ever seen you around before."

"I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Damon. Damon Salvatore. I just moved here, but my family is one of the founding families of Mystic Falls. I live at the old boarding house with my younger brother, Stefan."

"I'm Elena Gilbert. Thanks again for your help. I really should be going now, though."

Damon looked at me for a moment, as if he were studying me. After a few seconds, he backed away. "Your eyes are sad, Elena Gilbert. Whatever it is, I hope it gets better."

That statement made me feel so vulnerable, I didn't even have a response. I just put my truck in gear and drove away. He was wrong, i was not sad. I was empty, like I had been opened up and hollowed out. I didn't feel anything anymore, except fear and emptiness.

When I got home, the house was empty. I went upstairs, put on my favorite sweatpants, and got out my journal. When I tried to write, I didn't have anything to say. I had no feelings. I needed to feel something, anything at all, even if it was pain. I rolled up my sleeve and looked at my arm, the once perfect skin now marred with the red lines, all in various stages of healing. Some now scars, some scabs, and the newer ones, still red. The red lines that I put there myself, while I was searching for emotion. It didn't even hurt anymore, but I couldn't stop. I went under my bed for my box of tools, and went to work. The worst part is, nobody even knows. I prefer it that way, because this is dumb and embarrassing. All you ever hear about self- harm is that its only done by attention-seeking young girls who want people to love them. That is far from what I was doing. Attention was the last thing I wanted. My only goal is to feel the emotions that I can't find anymore. Pain, sadness, anger, loneliness, or just anything at all. I don't want to feel dead anymore. If anyone ever knew, they would have me locked up for sure. People get orphaned sometimes, they don't go off the deep end and carve themselves up.

After I was done, and the rush had passed after I had added the new lines, I cleaned myself up. I bandaged my arm, and went downstairs. Jenna was out, and so was Jeremy, so I just curled up on the couch in front of the television. Just background noise, I sat there and thought about the guy I met today. Damon was so intriguing, but I couldn't figure out why he had mesmerized me so much. There was something about him that was so mysterious, like he was keeping some major secret from me that should have been blatantly obvious. For a moment I thought about why his younger brother lived with him. Where were their parents? I didn't want to think about parents. The image of his face popped in my head, and i remembered his eyes. I had never seen eyes like that before. They were blue, but were so bright that they were glacial, almost white.

I found myself wanting to know more about him. There was this itch in my brain that needed to know more about him. He was so peculiar, and so serious. When he looked at me, it was like he was trying to see into my soul. Why was he in the middle of nowhere, on foot? He said he was out for a walk, but if he lives at the old boarding house, that would be like eight miles away. I couldn't figure it out, and I was drifting asleep. My last thought before I slipped into unconsciousness was that there was something weird about Damon Salvatore, and I was going to find out what it was.


	3. Chapter 2

**a/n:**

**Thanks so much for the reviews/follows! I'm definitely nervous, considering this is the first time I have ever let anyone read something I wrote. Continue to review, please! I love hearing from you. Constructive criticism is also welcome. This is a quiet chapter, filling in some of the plot, but there are some Damon sightings for all you Delena freaks like me. I will be posting the next chapter sometime this evening.**

**Thank you!**

**Standard depression, self-harm, and anxiety warning. May be triggering. Stay strong!**

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I woke to Jenna trying to gently rouse me from the couch somewhere around three in the morning. Groggy and stiff, I climbed the stairs and somehow found my way to my bed. My anxiety left me so lethargic, I wasn't worth very much once I had relaxed. As I was strewn face-down across my bed, not even bothering to get under the covers, I had a strange feeling I was being watched. It was enough to make the hair on my neck stand on end, and I sleepily got up to investigate something that probably wasn't even there, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something wouldn't take its eyes off of me. I looked out my window and saw nothing, then I peered down the hall. Jenna was sleeping with her door open, and Jeremy's room had light seeping out from under the door. I concluded that I was indeed going crazy, then I got back into bed and lulled off to sleep.

The next morning, my alarm went off at the usual time, seven AM. I showered and dressed for school, not putting in any effort at all. It wasn't the first day of school any more, so I settled on my favorite jeans and of course, a long-sleeved shirt to hide my scars. One of the more convenient parts of living in Virginia is that you can start wearing long sleeves as soon as September arrives, because the heat of Summer has already taken it's leave.

Jeremy wasn't downstairs yet, which was unusual, considering he was always ready before I was. Jenna was in the kitchen, making a green smoothie that I had absolutely zero interest in. As a matter of fact, I never had interest in any food lately. I was almost never hungry, and it just didn't interest me to eat anymore. I thought for a moment on how the malnutrition was starting to make my skin more pale, and my hair wasn't shiny anymore. That didn't rouse in me any desire for food, though.

"Good morning. Ready for the second day?" Jenna sounded a little bit too cheerful. It was almost as if she were trying much too hard to make it seem like it wasn't the worst thing ever to have to go to school only three months after both of your parents died in a car accident that was your fault, but you lived, while they drowned in the bottom of the river.

"As ready as one can be, I guess. Where is Jeremy?"

"He left early, saying something about an extra credit assignment. Which I know is probably a total crock, but I choose my battles with him."

Which, as it seems, is probably the more intelligent choice. Jeremy will fight about just about anything these days, and arguing in circles never got anyone anywhere.

I turned to Jenna. "I guess I'm going to head out now. The sooner I go, the sooner its over."

I started to turn towards the door, but Jenna interrupted me. "You're not going to eat anything? You've lost a lot of weight recently, I'm starting to get a little worried. You need brain food. I could make you something, if you want. You have time."

It was so maternal of her, checking on on my eating habits. I just wasn't hungry. "Thanks, really, but I will just grab something on my way." Lie. I wouldn't grab something on my way, and Jenna knew that, but she didn't argue. Choosing her battles, I suppose.

I got in my truck and started the engine before I closed the door. Maybe the air conditioning blasting cold air would help before I closed the door and announced to the panic attack that I was easy prey. Air on high. Close door. Hyperventilation. Every time, it happened, as much as I told myself I wasn't going to let myself get panicked. It felt so pathetic, that I couldn't even enter a vehicle without having the air sucked out of my lungs by some invisible water stealing all the oxygen. I immediately tried to focus on the tangible: street sign, steering wheel, mailbox. Then I saw him. Damon, out for a run, in my neighborhood. Perfect, now he can see me in the throes of terror two days in a row. What was he doing here? My house was so far from his. Maybe he runs ten miles a day. And walks another ten miles in the afternoon. He probably has to exercise that much, to maintain a body like that.

That is when I realized it. My panic attack was gone. I was thinking normal, coherent thoughts. Just seeing Strange-and-Sexy-Salvatore calmed me down immediately. My pulse was still racing, from all the lack of breathing, but my breathing itself was going back to normal. I didn't even feel the pressure in my chest anymore. Perplexing as that was, I didn't really have time to think about it, because now I was late for school. Damon finally ran past me, headphones in his ears. He just nodded, smiled, and kept going. What was it about him that was so intriguing?

Pulling into the parking lot, I half-ran to my locker to grab my things before I headed to class, which I was already late for. I walked into class, and Mr. Saltzman, the new history teacher who was kind enough to keep his strange name written on the board didn't look pleased. "Miss Gilbert, so glad you could join us."

Every eye in the class was on me, except Tyler Lockwood's, who looked to be asleep at the back of the class. "Sorry, had some issues with my vehicle." I sank into my seat, and tried not to be noticed again.

Class dragged by. History was once my favorite subject, but my thirst for knowledge had been diminished as of late. We studied the nineteen-forties for the duration of class, discussing mostly World War II related topics. When class was over, I got up to leave, but Saltzman asked me to stay after class.

"I know I don't know you, but is everything okay, Miss Gilbert? You seem distracted."

Oh, its nothing, I just have no emotions other than sheer terror every five minutes. "I'm fine. Just a little tired, coming back from a long summer." He looked as if he didn't believe me, and I was suddenly hypersensitive to my itching scars going up and down my arms. I casually checked to make sure my sleeves were still fully covering them.

"I was informed of your situation. I'm very sorry for what happened to you, I know it must be absolutely impossible."

"Thanks." My tone was clipped. I didn't like talking about this with anyone, much less someone who didn't know me.

"I didn't ask you to stay to intrude on your personal life. I apologize for speaking out of turn. I wanted to ask you about your family history." Family history? I'm not a genealogist, I don't know a single thing about that kind of stuff. My uncle John was into all of that.

He saw my puzzled expression, and elaborated further. "Namely, Jonathan Gilbert. He lived in 1864, when Mystic Falls was founded. It is said that he kept many journals, the likes of which I would love to get my hands on. I'm particularly interested in this town's history. Its the reason I took the job here."

"I don't know anything about them, but I could certainly find out for you. You're welcome to borrow whatever we have." I don't know why he is so interested, but hey, who am I to question the weird new teacher? There seem to be a lot of new people in town lately, which was odd for Mystic Falls. This town was a giant clique. Either you were in a founding family, and were in "the elite" of the tiny town's population, or you weren't. If you weren't, you wanted to be. Founding families got invited to all of Mayor Lockwood's best parties.

Saltzman thanked me, and told me I could go to my next class, after writing me a late-slip. I noticed I seemed to be having awkward encounters with all the town newcomers, apparently. Though I have yet to meet Damon Salvatore's alleged younger brother, Stefan. Saltzman watched me the whole time I walked out, which thoroughly creeped me out. I didn't put too much thought into it though, as I walked into Calculus and tried to pay attention. I was terrible at math and couldn't afford failing grades on top of mental illness and orphanhood.

After school, I didn't want to go home, so I decided to go to the grill and have some food. As much as I wasnt hungry, I was starting to feel dizzy. When I got in my truck, I immediately started thinking of Damon, and by some miracle, the panic never came. I never choked on my own breath, and I never felt the water slowly creeping up around me, filling up my lungs. It was such a peculiar thing. Damon, whom I'd had one single conversation with, a guy I didn't know at all, kept my attacks at bay. I couldn't figure it out, but it brought so much relief. I really needed to get to know this guy.

I walked into the grill, and stopped dead in my tracks. There he was, sitting at the bar. How on earth was he everywhere, all the time? By some miracle, a boldness I had never possessed before came over me, and I went and sat down next to him.

"Hello, Elena Gilbert. Fancy seeing you here." He flashed that perfect smile, the one that was so brilliantly white it should be illegal, and my heart started to pound with excitement. I had never reacted to any man like this, with butterflies assaulting my insides, but I liked it.

"Hi, Mr. Salvatore." I looked up from beneath my lashes, and there he was, staring into my soul again. Why was I so captured by him?


	4. Chapter 3

**a/n:**

**So this is a pretty fluffy chapter, which I usually avoid, but I'm trying to establish Damon and Elena's feelings for each other without dragging it out with giant chapters. I also just really love Delena. I appreciate the feedback so much, keep it coming! Constructive criticism and words of encouragement are awesome. This is probably the only time I will update twice in one day, but I wanted to redeem myself from the kind of empty chapter before this one.**

**Trigger warning: self-harm, anxiety attacks**

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"Please, beautiful women such as you get to call me Damon. How are you, Elena Gilbert, girl with the sad eyes?" That surprised me. He just cut right to it. Strangely, I didn't mind his prying question. The pretense was already shattered, I didn't have to pretend to be okay here. I didn't even know this guy, and he had already shattered all of my defenses with his piercing gaze, and his voice that sounded like the feeling you get when it rains while the sun is still shining.

"Are you always this forward?" I wondered aloud.

I leaned forward and grabbed his glass of bourbon, then proceeded to finish most of it in one go. I don't know where all this courage came from. In the last three months, I had developed the crushing fear of talking to anyone about anything deeper than the weather, and I was especially uncomfortable with people looking me in the eye. With Damon, however, I felt completely safe to be real and honest.

"Why yes I am, Elena Gilbert. I find that pettiness and skating around the heart of things is a waste of time. Why not just say what you are thinking, instead of saying empty words?"

Chugging that bourbon on a very empty stomach was a bad idea. I was already feeling it in my head, that feeling of floating. Why did he keep using my full name? "Please, its just Elena. I can't tell you about me, because when you hear about it, you will run away screaming."

He seemed to laugh, as if something I said was ironic, and that got very close to my face. "Okay, 'Just Elena'. I promise not to run away screaming when you tell me why it is that you have the sadness of a lifetime's worth of sorrows in your eyes." Just like that, I was completely willing to share everything with him. I didn't even know anything about him, and I was willing to tell him everything about me.

"My parents died three months ago in a car accident that was my fault. School had just let out for Summer, and I was out drinking with friends. My ex-boyfriend Matt and I got into a fight, and I was too drunk to even stand up, let alone walk. So that's when I called my parents to come get me." I took a swig of the bitter amber liquid left in his glass, even though I was already swooning from the effects. I flinched a little as it burned deep in my chest. All the while, Damon's eyes never left mine. I continued. "They were angry when they found out I was drunk, but they were compassionate, and they came right away. My dad carried me to the car where I passed out before I was even inside it. The next thing I know, the car tires are screeching against the pavement, and we flew right off of Wickery Bridge and into the river. No one knows how I got out of the car, not even me. I did make it out of the car though, and my parents didn't. They died, and I'm still here. All because I got drunk and got into a stupid fight with Matt. I remember everything about the accident, except how I got out of the car. I remember the water. My mom unconscious, my dad telling me it would be okay. Then the water covered everything, and I couldn't get out. I felt the water fill my lungs. After that, it all goes blank. I woke up in the hospital the next morning."

As I finished my story, the ghost of an anxiety attack creeped at me as I relived the experience so vividly, it was as if it were happening all over again. I heard every sound, and smelled every smell from that night. I opened my eyes, full of tears, but I couldn't bear to look at him. I knew he would be appalled at what I did, and even more so, the fact that some strange girl was pouring out the deepest woes of her life right in front of him. When I braved a wary glance, I noticed he still hadn't looked away from me. Always studying me, looking past the surface.

"Elena, take deep breaths. Slowly, in and out." He was so gentle about it, calming me down before he continued. "Look, I know that you don't know me, but I appreciate that you are comfortable enough to be so candid with me. You don't strike me as the kind of girl who does that very often, and I don't take that lightly." He paused for a moment, as if he wanted all of his words to sink in. He was so intentional with the way he spoke. "I don't want you to think that anything that happened to your family was your fault for another moment. Accidents happen, especially when the roads are wet and you are in a vehicle. Circumstances become difficult. I can tell by the way they didn't think twice about coming to you that they loved you more than you could fathom, and I'm sure they wouldn't want you to live with all of this guilt."

Tears were falling freely now, and I didn't have any more words. How did he know it was raining that night? I was pretty sure I hadn't mentioned it. I was very flustered, crying and trying to keep control of my breathing. In my distress, I raised my hand to wipe my face, and my sleeve fell. He saw them. He saw the scars at the edge of my wrist, and I was filled with embarrassment and fear. He would definitely find me revolting now. I immediately got up and headed for the door, but had forgotten that the alcohol I had consumed was leaving me unsteady. I started to fall over, unable to catch my footing. Damon caught me with speed I had never seen before, and guided me to a table. "When is the last time you ate something?"

"Um. I don't remember. I guess a couple of days ago." This was fantastic. Here I was, in front of the most beautiful man I had ever seen, who was also the kindest, and I was a hot mess. I was now completely exposed. There was nothing about me that he didn't know. Why hadn't he walked away, or called 911 or something? He just ordered some grilled chicken and vegetables for me, and went back to staring at my soul again.

"You don't have to stay here with me, y'know. I can find my way home." There. I was giving him an out, and I knew he would take it.

Then he did the thing I wasn't expecting. He sat back in his chair, never taking his eyes from mine. "Elena, you aren't the only one who has done things they regret. No one is a perfect person." He paused, as if he was trying to figure out how to phrase what he wanted to say.

The thing he said next took my breath away, and I fervently believed I would never forget his words.

"You are beautiful, Elena Gilbert. In all my life, I have never met someone as kind, honest, and stunning as you, and I mean that. You have survived more than most people have to deal with in a lifetime, and the fact that you are able to get out of bed in the morning tells me that you are a force of nature."

This was ridiculous. Me, a force of nature? Things like this didn't happen in real life. Boys didn't say things like that to girls they'd just met, except in movies. He saw everything. The cause of my parents' accident, my anxiety attacks, and the scars on my arms. He knew about all of it, and he was still saying these impossible things to me.

The world seemed to go quiet. It was as if Damon Salvatore and I were the only two people left on the globe. Time stood still, and I felt like I had known him an eternity. In that moment, I knew that I liked him. I thought I loved him, but I wasn't going to jump the gun on that one. Falling in love that fast is impossible, isn't it?

We talked at the grill for hours, while I ate. I discovered Damon's tastes were very old fashioned, much like my own. His favorite book was Gone With the Wind. His favorite movie was Rebel Without a Cause. He was 24, preferred rain to sunshine, and he liked walking. The walking part I already knew. He seemed to walk a lot, seeing as he was always in my vicinity since I had first met him.

I started to get tired, and he noticed.

"Can I drive you home, Elena? I'm afraid you're going to fall asleep at the table."

"I brought my truck. I can't leave it here."

"I will drive your truck for you. I don't think you should be driving just now."

I just nodded, and we went to my truck. Damon opened the door for me, and helped me crawl into the car. After I told him where I lived, i scooted into the middle of the bench seat, laid my head on his shoulder, and drifted off.

When we arrived in my driveway, he scooped me into his arms and started to carry me inside. He held my weight as if I were no heavier than a puppy. As soon as we got to the doorway, he knocked. Jeremy answered, and seemed justifiably confused at the fact that I was half-asleep in the arms of some strange guy.

"Who are you? Is she okay?"

"She's alright, just very tired. She hadn't eaten in a little while when I ran into her at the grill, and she just needs some rest. My name is Damon Salvatore, I'm a friend of hers." He was charming to anyone, and Jeremy shrugged and asked no further questions. However, when Jeremy opened the door wide enough for Damon to enter with me in his arms, he seemed frozen at the door. He stood there with his toes just on the outside of the threshold.

"Dude, this is weird. Come inside, don't just stand there. Elena's room is upstairs, second door on the right."

With that invitation, Damon walked inside and carried me upstairs so gently that I didn't even sway. I could sleep comfortably there for hours. When he entered my room, he put me in bed. He took off my shoes, and tucked me in. It was good that Jeremy didn't care about anything anymore and wasn't watching, because it would seem weird to anyone who saw it. Elena Gilbert, girl who checked out of life three months ago, letting a guy she just met tuck her in bed. I didn't mind, though. Everything about this seemed right.

When I thought Damon was leaving, he began searching my room. Drawers, closet, then finally, under the bed.

"What are you doing?" I was frantic, because I didn't want him under my bed. I was too late, though, Damon had found it already. He pulled out the little box I kept under there. Inside it were tweezers, pocket knives, needles, razor blades, and bandages. How did he know it was there?

Damon sat on the edge of my bed, where I was staring at my hands out of embarrassment. He put a finger under my chin, and tilted my face so that we were eye to eye. "Elena, I want you to hear me. You don't have to do this anymore. I understand why you did it before, but you don't need to anymore. Next time you have the urge to hurt yourself, I want you to call me, okay?" We stared into each other's eyes for what seemed like a lifetime. His eyes unwavering and sure, mine tear-filled and awestruck. Then, Damon spoke again. "Can I give you a ride to school tomorrow?"

After I nodded in agreement, Damon got up, placed a slip of paper with his number on it on my nightstand. Then he walked out, taking my box with him. Everything about him was perfect.

What happened tonight? I couldn't imagine living without him now, even after only one night. He was everything at once. Sunshine, and spring rain. He was sunsets and thunderstorms and everything beautiful in life. He was all of these things, and yet he wanted me. Elena Gilbert, the cutter with anxiety issues. My head was spinning, and I shut my eyes. I couldn't wait for tomorrow.


	5. Chapter 4

The next morning, I woke up before my alarm. For some reason, I thought that I would feel more ecstatic about seeing Damon today. He was going to give me a ride to school. I was excited to see him, I knew that because butterflies were fluttering away in my stomach. It was just that I still felt empty. I guess all of those people who say that girls who are depressed are really just lonely have absolutely no idea what they're talking about. I looked at my arms, and as disgusting as it was, I missed my blades. Damon had taken them, telling me I didn't need to cut anymore. I didn't feel like that now. Everything in me wanted to feel the familiar sting that always made me spark some kind of emotion. I got ready, and headed downstairs, where it was already empty. Jenna had left, and so had Jeremy, all that was left was to wait for Damon.

I was a little bit on edge, hoping he hadn't changed his mind. Maybe he got home last night and figured out how messed up I was. I was about to give up and grab my keys to drive myself, when the doorbell rang. I double checked my hair before I went to the door. I didn't rush to it, out of fear of looking too eager and messing everything up. When I opened the door, I relaxed immediately. I had no feelings of nervousness around Damon. When I saw his face, it was like looking at a sunrise. All the darkness had left, and light had finally come.

Damon smiled a boyish smile, the kind that takes over your entire face. "Good morning, beautiful lady. Shall I escort you?" He offered his arm to me, which I gladly took.

"Thank you, good sir. I gladly accept." I giggled. Being with him was so easy, and so relieving.

Damon was so proper. Sometimes when he spoke, I was certain he was from a different time. As we walked to his car, arm in arm, a sense of dread washed over me. I had forgotten about the anxiety attack that awaited me inside his small, silver SUV. I tried to reason myself out of it in my head, willing myself not to freak out. I knew it was useless. As soon as I shut the door of that vehicle, I would be a panicking livewire, and there was nothing I could do about it.

Damon obviously sensed my trepidation, because he stopped and turned to face me. "I know what you're thinking, and I want you to know its okay. You are strong, and no matter what you feel in that car, I need you to remember that you can and will get through it. You with me?"

The way he was so confident in me gave me the courage I needed. I nodded, took a deep breath, and continued to the car. He opened the door for me, and as soon as he shut it behind me, I felt the water. It was everywhere. I was trapped in here, and the water kept rising. My lungs filled with it, and I knew I was dying. I was gasping, but there was no air. The weight on my chest was crushing me. I was going to die. My parents were going to die.

On the edge of my consciousness, I heard a voice. A voice that seemed familiar. It was Damon, speaking so gently, but so persistently. "Deep breaths, Elena. You are safe. You are not drowning right now. There is no water in here, there is only you and me."

I opened my eyes and saw him there, but I still couldn't breathe. I closed my eyes again.

"Focus, Elena. Remember what my favorite book is? What is my favorite book, Elena?"

I struggled to form a word. "Gone." Gasp. "With." Gasp. "The Wind." Gasp.

"Good job. Focus on my voice. You are in control, Elena. Breathe in, slow, release." His eyes never left mine.

After several minutes, my breathing finally began to slow. I wondered why that panic attack was so much harder to stifle than my others. Maybe it was because I was in a vehicle I had never been in before, with someone who bore the likeness of a Greek god.

"That was great, Elena. It will get easier, I promise." He squeezed my hand, trying to reassure me.

As I relaxed, Damon started the car and headed towards my school. Halfway there, he pulled over.

"At the risk of being a horrible influence, do you want to skip school today, and spend it with me instead?" His eyes were full of light and amusement, like a kid on Christmas morning.

I weighed my options. Skipping the third day of school wasn't the most responsible thing to do, but I wouldn't get in trouble because I was Elena the nutcase now. I really didn't want to fail Calculus though, and if I missed class, I would slip behind.

"Depends. How good are you at math? Because if I skip, you're gonna have to help me." I raised an eyebrow at him.

"You're in luck, Miss Gilbert. I am quite skilled at math." He laughed, and turned the car around. We headed toward his house after he asked me if that was okay.

When we arrived, he opened the car door for me and led me inside. This house was incredible. It used to be a boarding house for troubled youths or something like that. The common area was large and open, and the ceilings were very high. The furniture was elegant and antique. Damon mentioned that there were fifteen bedrooms. Holy crap.

He offered me breakfast, and I politely declined, but he shrugged and started cooking anyway. As he chopped and sautéed, I was in awe of how graceful he was. Each stroke of his hand or movement of his feet was calculated and smooth. I remembered how he was able to carry me so easily, and how quickly he caught me at the grill when I started to fall. I guess all of that exercise was really paying off. I concluded that he would be an excellent dancer, having so much grace. Even when he was standing still, his countenance was almost rhythmic.

"Who is this, brother?" I was broken out of my Damon-trance by a voice I did not recognize.

I whirled around, and saw a guy who looked to be about my age. Steady, but dark eyes. Shorter than Damon, but more muscular. This must be Stefan. It was clear that the Salvatore family was genetically predisposed to being insanely attractive.

Almost instantly, so fast it didn't seem possible, Damon was at my side. "This is _Elena_. _Elena Gilbert._" I didn't really understand why he put so much emphasis on my name, but I extended a hand to Stefan.

Stefan kissed my hand, rather than shook it. These boys were so proper. He kept staring at me, as if he were confused by something. Was this a common Salvatore trait, this staring? I didn't mind when it was Damon, but Stefan made me uncomfortable for some reason I couldn't quite figure out. Stefan then turned and walked away, without another word.

After a few more minutes, Damon placed a plate of food in front of me, then sat next to me with a serving for himself. I thanked him and ate all of it. It was really good. I wondered if he was good at everything.

After we finished, I forced him to let me help clean up. I picked up a plate, and as I was carrying it to the sink, I dropped it, and it shattered.

"Oh my God. I am so sorry. I'm sorry." I was mortified.

There Damon was again, faster than I could rationalize, and started picking up pieces with me. I was grabbing little slivers of glass when one of them sliced my finger. It didn't hurt, I was used to it, but I had to do something before I got blood all over the kitchen.

Damon looked at me, then at my hand, and his eyes changed. The blue turned to black, the whites of them turned red, and all of the blood vessels of his face turned a deep purple. These black eyes were such a contrast to his blue ones, that i gasped in disbelief. He looked away quickly, but not before I saw. I had never seen anything like that before. Suddenly, Stefan was here again. Where did he come from?

"Here, run it under the sink, and let me see it." He said curtly, and it seemed like he was holding his breath. Man, these guys were weird about such a small amount of blood.

I went to the sink, and ran my finger under the water, then held a paper towel on for pressure which immediately stopped the bleeding. Stefan looked at it, then threw a band-aid over it. This all happened so quickly, but when I turned back to Damon, he had already cleaned the remainder of the glass on the floor and was sitting at the bar waiting for me.

"Thank you." I said to Stefan, who nodded and went back upstairs. I wondered why he didn't want to stay with us down here, but I understood if he just didn't like to be around people.

"Damon, what happened to your eyes before?" I sat next to him, which seemed to surprise him.

"I'm sorry. They do that sometimes. I didn't mean to scare you." He was having trouble looking me in the eye, which was strange for him.

"Damon, you didn't scare me. It was just surprising, and I wish I knew the cause for that. Does it hurt?"

"No, it doesn't hurt. Nothing hurts me." He remarked plainly.

Okay, that was weird. I guess he's one of those macho guys who can't admit to feeling pain, or something. Not the worst quality there is, I suppose. it hit me that I really didn't know anything about Damon Salvatore. Sure, I knew his favorite things, but I had no idea what his past was like.

"Why did you move to Mystic Falls?" I said, as we were sitting on the couch together.

"Well, when our parents died, it was just Stefan and me. We didn't have anybody else. We needed a change, and Mystic Falls seemed like a good place to start, because my family still owned this house from when my father lived here." He told me this without showing any emotion. Maybe he was like me, and didn't have any. "I am also sort of into history, and Mystic Falls has quite an interesting one."

Then I remembered that Mr. Saltzman was interested in the history of this town as well, and I needed to dig those journals out of the attic for him.

"Sorry about your family." I said, and grabbed his hand.

The remainder of the afternoon, we just talked and relaxed. Damon helped me with Calculus, and he was right, he was good at it. He was also an excellent teacher, and I felt like I had a better grasp of the complicated school subject. I didn't see Stefan again, but I had the feeling he was uncomfortable with me.

"Why did Stefan seem so put off by me?" I asked Damon.

"You look a lot like someone we used to know. He was in love with a girl named Katherine, and you look very similar to her."

"What happened to her?" Now, I was really curious.

"She died, a long time ago, in a fire." Damon looked sad. Did he have a history with Katherine, as well?

In the late afternoon, I decided I needed to get home. I gathered my things, and Damon walked me to the car. He stopped, looked deep into my eyes, and said "You will not have any anxiety when you get into this vehicle."

That was really strange, I didnt know how to react, so I got into the car, and anxiety didn't even creep around the edges of me. The water didn't come. My chest didn't tighten. All because Damon told me not to? This was so odd. Something was different about him in a way I had never heard of, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

When we arrived at my house, I was desperately hoping he would kiss me. I felt like I had been waiting a lifetime for him to kiss me. He didn't kiss me, though. Not on the lips, anyway. He walked me to my door, kissed my forehead, and walked away. I was swooning. This couldn't be real.

Jenna didn't even ask me about skipping school, so I brought it up and told her I had spent the day journaling at the cemetery, where my parents were buried. She bought it, because I did that a lot. I knew it was creepy and probably insane, but I liked spending time there. It was quiet.

I remembered that Mr. Saltzman wanted those journals, and my parents kept all that old historical stuff in the attic, so I went up there to find them. After sifting through boxes of dusty stuff, I found a box that had a journal, and I brought it down. I would take this to school tomorrow to loan it to my teacher.

After I was ready for bed, that urge came to me again. All I wanted was to cut, and it was overwhelming me. I steeled myself against it, and grabbed the antique journal. I sat in my window seat, and opened it up. It was yellow, but the words were still visible. It smelled like parchment and mildew, but I didn't mind. I started reading, and what I found was unbelievable.

I finally knew what was so different about Damon Salvatore, and it was more terrifying and unbelievable than anything I could have imagined.

I grabbed my jacket and my keys, and headed out the front door.


	6. Chapter 5

**a/n:**

**Thanks for the reviews, y'all. I struggled a little bit with this chapter, but I think it really cements Delena's relationship for the mood of the rest of the story. Its really important to me that this story has a real plot, so I wanted to inject some solidarity with all the fluff. I appreciate your reviews!**

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_June Eighteenth, 1864_

_ Happenings in Mystic Falls are more perilous than ever. More victims are appearing at an increasingly alarming pace. The vampires are more skilled at eluding us than we suspected. It is possible that their abilities are more extensive than we have deduced. Victims appear to be completely drained of blood, most often from a single wound._

This was intense. Vampires? Either Johnathan Gilbert was crazy, or there was one demented serial killer on the loose. How terrifying would that have been?

_Vampire abilities that we currently possess the knowledge of are those of impossible speed and strength, and the capability to control the mind of a human by a rather supernatural power of suggestion. Giuseppe Salvatore has seen this himself._

Damon's ancestor, Giuseppe. This was cool. I think Damon would like to read this before I loan it to Alaric Saltzman.

_Giuseppe has informed the council that his two sons have been beguiled by a fair maiden, who appears to be one of the vampires. Both boys claim to love miss Katherine Pierce. However, when we have knowledge of the identities of every vampire residing in Mystic Falls, we are going to carry out our plan of burning them in the old church. These monsters have ravaged our humble town, we must put an end to them. It seems they can only perish by fire, or a stake through the heart._

Wait, so vampires were real? At least they were back then, I guess. Katherine Pierce, the vampire. Why did that name feel familiar to me?

I tried to wrap my brain around the idea that vampires actually existed. It wouldn't be totally over reaching, would it? Myths and legends of vampires went back almost to the beginning of time. Farfetched, I could admit, but not completely ludicrous. I can't believe I had never picked up this journal before.

_ June twenty-fifth, 1864_

_ Giuseppe has informed me that his two sons are aware of their lover's identity as a vampire. They both claim to love her, and their father feels as if they will elect to become one of them. He has requested we act tonight, now that the vampires identities are known, in gratitude to Tobias Fell's research abilities. We shall act tonight, before Miss Katherine can turn the Salvatore boys into demons._

Wow, this was turning into a nail biter. What I saw on the next page stunned me so much, I was both enraged and terrified. I was stunned and confused.

_June twenty-sixth, 1864_

_Our dealings with the extermination of the vampires in Mystic Falls was a success. All twenty-seven of them were trapped inside with the use of the herb vervain to subdue them, and the church was set ablaze. Nothing remains there but ash. I am pained for my dear friend Giuseppe, as his two beloved sons have disappeared since the capture of their vampire seductress, Katherine. Katherine was burned in the church with the rest, however Damon and Stefan Salvatore have not been seen since we captured her._

What? I read it again.

_Damon and Stefan Salvatore have not been seen since._

_Katherine burned in the church._

I dropped the journal, and began to panic. How could this be true? It was impossible. Damon wasn't a vampire. There is no way my luck was that bad. I couldn't comprehend it. There has to be an explanation for this.

Damon could be a vampire though, couldn't he? He was strong. He was fast. When he told me not to have a panic attack today, I didn't. When I sliced my finger and there was blood, his face...

"Oh my God." I accidentally said out loud.

I fell onto my bed, trying to relax. I knew it was true, but I had to talk to him myself. Even knowing this about Damon, I wasn't afraid of him. I barreled down the stairs, shouted to Jenna that I was visiting a friend, and got in my truck.

I was already panicking when I got in my car, so the full-blown anxiety attack that came upon me was definitely not a surprise, but my racing thoughts helped me stifle it without much difficulty.

I stomped my way up the Salvatore driveway, and entered without knocking. I saw Stefan first.

"Where is he?" I demanded.

"Down the hall, on the left." Stefan looked at me strangely, and it occurred to me that I probably looked like a mental patient, with streaked makeup, rushed breaths, and my curt tone.

_Damon and Stefan Salvatore, have not been seen since._

So Stefan was a vampire too, then. That put me off a little, because he was still staring at me. i didnt trust him like I trusted Damon, and I was a little scared of him. Would he hurt me? I suppose if he wanted to, he would have done it already. I created more space between us, and went off in the direction of Damon's bedroom.

I tried to calm down a little, so that I could talk about this with him. I know I'd only just met him, but I didn't want to lose him, either. He was so understanding when I told him about my issues.

I knocked, and when he told me to come in, I did. I held up the journal, and then threw it at him. With insane reflexes, he caught it, and opened it.

After he'd had a chance to read a few passages, I spoke. "What are you? You and Stefan are in that journal, from 1864. So is Katherine. Please explain this to me, so I understand."

Damon rubbed his hand through his wet hair. That's when I realized he was in a towel. I quickly turned around to hide my blushing, walked out, and told him to get dressed.

I waited for him in the common area, Stefan having gone somewhere else. I had calmed down some when he entered the room.

"Elena, I-"

"Don't." I interrupted. "I don't want excuses, I'm just confused, and I want an explanation."

He sighed, but didn't falter. "You're angry."

"Yes, I am! I told you everything about me, everything, all the uncomfortable and embarrassing parts, yet you withheld your very identity? Angry is putting it mildly, Damon." I held his gaze, standing my ground. I just wanted to understand.

"Okay, I will tell you everything. Please just relax." Damon was tense, obviously nervous. "Everything that journal said was true. Stefan and I both fell in love with a vampire named Katherine Pierce. We would have done anything for her. When they started rounding up the vampires that night, Stefan and I were shot after trying to help Katherine and her friends Pearl and Anna escape. We both were killed." He paused, I suppose to let me take it in a little at a time.

"If you died, how are you here now?" The question seemed ridiculous, but I still didn't understand how they could be here now, if they were killed.

"You become a vampire by dying after drinking vampire blood, and then feeding on the blood of a human. Katherine had given us her blood before the chaos ensued."

"So, you died, then came back to life, then you were a vampire?" I kind of understood, the best I could, anyway.

"Yes. Stefan and I completed the transition by feeding on a human. We had done it for Katherine, but she was already gone, along with the other vampires. We have stuck together ever since." Damon was calm, but he never stopped looking me in the eye.

"So why did you really come back to Mystic Falls, then?" I said, more relaxed, now that I knew the truth.

"Remember when I told you that you bore a striking resemblance to Katherine?" He waited for an answer. I just nodded, and he continued. "It isn't just a resemblance. You look exactly like her. When I was passing through town, I thought you were Katherine. I quickly discovered you weren't her, though. I watched you for a while, to make sure. Then I had to get to know you."

Okay, now I was a little creeped out. He wanted to know me because I was a carbon-copy of his ex?

"Elena, you are nothing like her, and that is why I was drawn to you. Katherine was manipulative, hateful, and selfish. She killed a lot of people and didn't do anything that didn't benefit her directly. I figured that out about her after I transitioned, and her compulsions wore off. I realized that everything between her and I was a lie. She was using Stefan and I to stay close to the council, so that she could know how much they knew about the vampires."

"Compulsion? What is that?" I was confused yet again.

"Vampires can make people do things, just by telling them to do it." Damon said it as if it were common knowledge.

"Did you compel me today, when you told me not to panic in the car?"

"Yes. I just didn't want you to go through that if you didn't have to." For the first time tonight, he looked at the floor.

"I appreciate it, but please don't do it again. I want to be able to trust that my thoughts are my own in the future." I walked toward him, not really sure what I was getting myself into.

"I won't do it ever again, I promise. I'm so sorry." He looked at me then, and he had tears in those sparkling blue eyes that I got lost in. "Aren't you going to leave? How can you stay, knowing what I am?"

I asked him the one question that would make or break everything. "Do you hurt people? You know, for their blood."

"No, not anymore. I have in the past though, Elena. I have hurt a lot of people. Killed so many. I was terrible." He had so much shame on his face.

"Aren't you the one who told me that we all have things in our pasts that we aren't proud of? If you don't hurt people anymore, then I'm in this." I swallowed. "I know it won't be easy, but ever since I met you, I have slowly started to feel again. Something more than fear and emptiness."

"Elena, I want you to know that I wanted to know you because you looked like Katherine, but I pursued you because you were the exact opposite of her. She was the worst person I ever knew, malicious and heartless. You, on the other hand, are by far the most incredible person I've met in all my life."

I was taken aback by his words, the dedication and awe behind his voice. In that moment, I knew that I would never want anyone else, ever again. I would do anything for him, happily. After only two days, I loved Damon Salvatore more than I could express.

"There's just one problem here, Damon." I looked at him with the most serious expression I could manage.

He looked worried. "What?"

"I don't know how I feel about dating such and old man." I smiled a real smile, for the first time in months.

"Well, Miss Gilbert, I think you'll find I'm quite spry, and horribly immature for my age."

He got a devilish grin, and threw me over his shoulder, like a sack of potatoes. "I have something for you."

He brought me to his room, which I finally looked at this time. It was very large, and he had a king size four-poster bed against the far wall. Shelves of books lined almost every wall, and on his desk lied the journal that had revealed everything. He had his own bathroom, with dark tile, a claw footed tub, and an all-glass shower. I blushed at the thought of seeing him in a towel earlier.

"Here. I want you to have this." He held out a simple silver chain, with a pendant that had a small red jewel and some flower vines on it. It looked antique.

"What's that smell?" The necklace seemed to be emanating some kind of floral scent.

"Its called vervain. It's toxic to vampires."

I remembered that from the journal of Johnathan Gilbert. They had dosed the vampires with it to incapacitate them.

"Whenever you ingest vervain, or wear it on you, a vampire can't compel you. So you know your thoughts are always your own." He waited for a reaction.

I looked at him with tears in my eyes. "Thank you. This is perfect." I turned and let him fasten it behind my neck.

I was so exhausted from the rollercoaster of the day. I was pleased at all the emotions I had felt all on my own today. Fear, sadness, confusion, pain, joy, laughter, hope, and contentment. I knew everything was different now. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I was entering a world that was dangerous and unknown, but I felt no fear. I trusted Damon, and I wanted to be with him. That was all that mattered to me.

I was dating a vampire.


	7. Chapter 6

**a/n: thanks again for the reviews, you guys! I apologize to all you Stefan fans, I haven't really decided what I want to do with him yet, so he's been rather absent from the story playing out in my head. I'm sure we will see him more often very soon. I love hearing your feedback, so please keep it up. Constructive criticism encouraged.**

**Stand trigger warning for this chapter: anxiety attacks**

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Damon and I sat in the common area of his house, fire blazing in the massive fireplace. It was strange to me how everything had changed so quickly. What I knew about the world, about life and death, had changed in it's entirety. Vampires were real, and Damon and Stefan Salvatore both one of them. I was now with Damon, despite the fact that I knew what he was. Maybe it was reckless, and maybe it was dangerous, but everything with Damon felt right.

"How come Stefan is so dark and brooding?" I asked. "You know, why does he always hide away and never talk much?"

Damon looked at me, and looked like it was troubling him. "Stefan is still in love with Katherine, even after all these years, and even after knowing who the real Katherine was. He misses her, but he feels guilty for missing her. When you are a vampire, every emotion is more powerful. You feel everything a hundred times more strongly."

That was sad. Being in love with someone who used you. It must be terrible.

I checked my cell phone for the time, and realized it was after midnight. "Damon, I need to get home. Jenna will worry."

"Can't you just stay here with me? Please?" He begged, while he flashed his best puppy-eyes at me.

I giggled, but stood up. "I can't. There's no way I can explain being out this late when I don't have any friends anymore." I was fighting to resist Damon's urging to stay.

"Come on, its not like you are out doing drugs. Just text her and tell her you will come home tomorrow." He flashed a forced grin, like he was attempting to look as innocent as possible.

"I'm not out doing drugs, but I am out with a vampire in the middle of the night. I'm not sure which one is more dangerous." I tried my best to imitate his smile, but I knew there was no way I could get it right.

In a flash, he had picked me up and put me against the wall, his face only centimeters from my own. "I suppose you're right. We vampires are rather hazardous." He had a wild look in his eyes, but it melted away as he began to laugh. "I'm kidding. Let me take you home."

He grabbed my hand and began to walk me to my truck. I was actually quite disappointed that he hadn't kissed me then, when he was so close. Any time I looked at his mouth, all I wanted was for it to be on mine.

As he opened the door for me, I climbed into my truck. The anxiety that hit was unexpected. I had forgotten all about it after being in this supernatural bubble with Damon for hours.

There I was again, in the back seat of my dad's car. Mom unconscious, and Dad panicking, trying to break the windows. He kept repeating that it was going to be okay, but I knew it wasn't. The water was rising, and soon it was over my head. I was trapped in here. I couldn't breathe. My father looked back at me, and shook his head. We weren't getting out, and this was the end. I held my father's hand as I started choking, and then it goes to black. I'm dead, now. Or at least, I should've been. I got out somehow, only to relive this moment over and over again. I was stuck in the blackness.

A voice pierced through into the dark. "Elena, you have to breathe." The voice was rushed, yet still gentle.

I opened my eyes to find myself back in my truck, with Damon. The weight on my chest was impossibly heavy, and even though in my mind I knew my lungs were perfectly functional, I couldn't force them to work.

"Look at me, Elena. Keep your eyes on me. Breathe, slowly. You can, you know you can. In through your nose, and out through your mouth. You are in control." His eyes were locked with mine, and I did as he said.

My breaths returned to normal, and the weight lifted. I was so angry. Why was I still having these attacks? Every time was as if it were the first time. I'd been dealing with it for months. I couldn't make them stop, and they just took over everything. I couldn't go anywhere without worrying about having the breath sucked out of me. It was infuriating.

"Thanks. Again." I said to Damon, hoping he wouldn't misplace the anger I felt at the anxiety as anger at him.

Damon said nothing, he only squeezed my hand and drove me home. When we pulled in the driveway, Damon opened my door for me and walked me to the house.

"Thank you, for not running away screaming. For giving me a chance." He looked at me with the most serious expression. "I don't deserve you."

"Damon, it-" I was interrupted by his lips crashing into mine. Stunned, it took me a moment to realize what was happening and kiss him back. His lips were purposeful, but gentle. I had never been kissed like this before. There was passion, but it wasn't sexual. He kissed me with meaning, as if I were the last woman on the planet. I was a livewire. Every hair on my arms stood on edge, and I had goosebumps.

Too soon, Damon pulled away. "Thank you, Elena." His eyes were intent on me. He was studying me. Damon was admiring me.

I had no words. I was still reeling from the kiss that made all other kisses look meaningless. I just put my forehead against his chest. I breathed in his scent, which was like pine trees and musk. He tenderly kissed my head.

"Good night, Elena." He smiled as he lifted my head, and held my face in his hands.

"Good night." I replied with hesitation. I didn't want this to end.

He smiled a youthful smile, kissed me on the forehead, and started to walk away.

He stopped before he was in the driveway. "Elena?" He said, with a tone that was serious. "Be careful. Im not the only monster there is. Vampires can't enter your house unless they are invited in. Just take care of yourself." I nodded my reply, and faster than a crack of lightning, he was gone.

I stood there on the porch for a while, trying to recover. Damon was everything. When I thought about him, I couldn't help but smile. He was intelligent, kind, funny, and sometimes when he smiled, he looked like a young boy who was carefree and happy. It didn't hurt that he was the most attractive man I had ever laid eyes on.

As I turned to go inside, a voice called to me from the darkness of the driveway. "Hey, Elena?"

I jumped, obviously not expecting anyone to be here at almost one o'clock in the morning. Given the things I had learned about vampires today, and Damon's warning, I was terrfied. I turned, and saw Alaric Saltzman, my history teacher.

He raised his hands, seeing my fear. "I'm sorry, I was just out and saw you out here. I didn't mean to scare you." He started to walk toward me.

"Stay over there." I was ready to run inside, where I would be safe if he was a vampire, but if that were true, he would get me before I made it to the door.

"I'm not a vampire, Elena, but I know that your friend who was just here is one of them. We need to talk." He continued toward me.

Now, I was more confused then I had been all day. Alaric wasn't a vampire, but he knew about vampires. He knew about Damon. Should I talk to him? I wasn't comfortable talking about Damon with him.

"No offense, but that sounds crazy. Why would I think you were a vampire? Those aren't real. Damon isn't one either, I would know." I wasn't a very good liar, but I did my best to sound convincing.

"Don't try to cover it up, Elena. You don't need to protect him. I know what he is, and I know that you know about him and his brother." He was on the porch now. I can smell the vervain on you, as well. So you aren't compelled, which means you're just stupid."

I was infuriated. "You show up at my house in the middle of the night, and insult me? You need to go."

He backed off. "I'm sorry. I just want you to be careful. He is dangerous, Elena. Vampires are dangerous."

"You don't know anything about him."

"I've been tracking Damon Salvatore for almost two years. I watched him feed on my wife. He killed her." The look in his eyes told me he was telling the truth. "Just be careful, okay?" With that, Alaric Saltzman walked away.

I went inside, and locked the door. I was reeling. So much had happened today, and I was overwhelmed. Vampires were real. I was in love with a vampire. Alaric Saltzman, my history teacher, claimed that my vampire boyfriend murdered his wife. Could that be true? Damon said he had killed a lot of people in the past, but when he said it, I thought he meant a long time in the past.

I didn't know what to think, but decided not to form any opinions on the matter until I talked to Damon first. He would explain it to me. With that I made some tea, and headed up to bed.

The thing about depression, is its like a monster inside you. Sometimes, when you're kept busy, the monster is distracted. Give it a minute alone, though, and it will try to claw its way to the surface. Anyone who ever said that depressed people just need a hobby, or someone to love them, is sorely mistaken. The blackness came over me, as it always does, and I no longer had the energy to stand. Too much had happened.

I laid on my bed, too tired to change, and started to drift. All I could think about was what Mr. Saltzman had said. If it were true, and Damon really did kill Alaric's wife, did that change how I felt about being with Damon?


	8. Chapter 7

**a/n:**

**Thanks for the reviews, as always. Please keep them coming. I apologize for no post yesterday, I had a very busy day. Constructive criticism is welcomed and very much appreciated!**

**Standard trigger warning for depression and self-harm**

* * *

The water from the shower was starting to run cold. I had been in there for hours. Before I met Damon, I was empty. Now, I was overwhelmed. I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that vampires were real, and that Damon, this amazing man, was one of them. As I stared at the plain, white tile walls of my shower, I began to cry. What had I gotten myself into? I tried to reason with myself. Damon was good. He said he was good now. How long ago was it that he was killing people? My history teacher seems to think it was only about two years ago.

I started to wonder if it would make a difference to me, whether it had been two years since Damon killed someone, or a hundred. I couldn't justify it, but at the same time, I didnt understand at all. As long as he wasn't killing people right now, there was no way I could judge him, right? They were innocent people, though. This was all so confusing. I didn't know what the right thoughts were.

All of the conflicting thoughts in my head were making me crazy. The water in the shower was ice cold. I crawled out, wrapped in a towel, and went in to my room. After being with Damon last night, and Alaric Saltzman accusing him of murder, I just wanted an explanation. I needed to talk to Damon.

I was glad for the weekend, being able to avoid school for a couple of days. After I dressed, the doorbell rang. My heart leaped, and then it was filled with uncertainty. I still didn't know how I felt about everything. Did he read my mind? How did he know I wanted to see him?

When I opened the door, I was slightly disappointed to see not Damon, but my two best friends. Bonnie and Caroline were here. I hadn't talked to them in months, and tears sprang in my eyes at the sight of them.

"Hey, Elena." Bonnie reached out and took my hand. "Jenna called and said she was worried about you, and we miss you. So we're here now."

Bonnie Bennett was my best friend. We had known each other for a long time, since we were kids, and had gone through everything together. She was selfless, and she was the kind of person who was reliable and steady.

Caroline spoke next. "We tried to give you space, but we just can't anymore. We love you, and we want to be here for you. Please, just let us be here for you."

Caroline was unlike anyone else I had ever known. Having grown up with her, as well, I knew that she hated being apart from me when I was in pain. Caroline always wanted to take care of everyone. She was cheer captain, student body president, and chair of just about every committee. She was a doer. She was spunky and didn't like rudeness. I could tell she wished she knew how to help me.

Tears started to fall, as I looked at my two friends who loved me. They cried, too, as they looked at me. I had missed them. I had wanted to suffer alone, not to drag anyone down with me, but I needed my friends.

They came inside, and we all sat on the kitchen counters, like we used to. Bonnie promised me we didn't have to talk about anything heavy, so we just talked about school, and music, and normal things. We sat for a couple of hours, and for that little while, I forgot about everything crazy that was going on right now.

"Do you guys want to hear something unbelievable?" Bonnie said, as she hopped down from the counter. We nodded, and she continued. "My grams told me that our family descends from a long line of witches. Like, legitimate spellcasting witches."

"Yeah, you knew that already, Bonnie. Your grams has been teaching supernatural stuff at the university forever, she always talks about being a witch." Caroline said.

"True, but then she told me that I'm a witch. I thought she was crazy. Then she started showing me some stuff. I wanna show you guys, but you have to promise not to tell anyone." Bonnie looked mostly at Caroline, who loved a good piece of gossip. She wasn't worried about me saying anything.

Caroline rolled her eyes. "Okay, I swear, I won't say anything!"

Bonnie walked over to the living room and grabbed a large candle. She closed her eyes, and when she opened them, the candle was lit. Caroline and I looked surprised, not expecting her to actually be able to do magic. Although it wasn't the craziest thing I had learned about lately.

"That's not even the coolest thing I learned, watch this." She exited the room, and returned shortly with a pillow. Grabbing a knife from the block, she ripped open the pillow, spilling feathers everywhere.

"What the heck are you doing, Bonnie?" I shouted.

"Just watch." Bonnie started to breathe deeply. "There's no a/c, no open windows, no air movement in here, right?"

"No, there isn't." Caroline and I said in unison.

Bonnie stilled, and held her hand over the pile of fluffy white tufts. Slowly, one of them started to float. Caroline and I laughed, as it was so fascinating. Then, all of a sudden, there were feathers floating all over the room. We laughed, as it was beautiful. It was like it was snowing in my kitchen. I realized then that Bonnie was right. She really was a witch.

"Oh my god, Bon. That's amazing!" I said to her, with a sincere smile on my face.

We were all giggling as we cleaned up the feathers together. When we were finished, we went into the living room and sat together.

"So, Elena, Jenna said you've been hanging out with some guy. Who is it?" Caroline said, out of the blue.

I was taken aback. How did Jenna know about Damon? Jeremy must have told her.

Bonnie noticed my surprised expression. "Really subtle, Caroline."

"What? I wanna hear about him! This is what we do, we talk about boys. Who is he?" Caroline was desperate for information.

I decided to tell them what I could. "I met him a few days ago. His name is Damon Salvatore. He moved here a couple of months ago with his brother."

"Why haven't I seen him at school?" Caroline wanted to know.

"He's older. Not in school anymore." I replied plainly.

"What's he like? Only if you want to tell us." Bonnie sat next to me, genuinely interested.

"He's amazing. He is kind, and funny. I laugh when I'm around him. I almost forgot what that felt like." I smiled at the thought of Damon. "He is very smart, and very thoughtful. He has these eyes that can see all the way to your soul." I had been lost in those eyes so many times. I wish he were here now.

"Sounds like a total dream-boat." Caroline giggled.

"I'm so happy for you, Elena. He sounds great. I can't wait to meet him." Bonnie touched my arm.

I had missed my friends. I shouldn't have shut them out.

Shortly after that, Bonnie and Caroline left. They had been with me all morning. After they were gone, I remembered everything that was weighing on my mind before theybhad gotten here. I wished I had some sort of feelings, but it was like all of my thoughts and emotions were jammed up inside of me, and I couldn't feel them. I had hoped that I was over this emptiness, but I was wrong. I couldn't feel anything at all, and it was killing me. I rolled up my sleeve and glanced down, eyeing the red lines that lie there. I stared at it for what seemed like an eternity. Aching for relief, I grabbed a nail file, and etched away.

I immediately felt guilty, as I always did. I wanted to be able to be normal, but I was weak. Bleeding, and broken, I started to patch myself up. The rush of emotion and adrenaline had faded, and all I had left was shame.

I had been glad that Jeremy and Jenna had plans today, but now, I wasn't. There was someone at the door, and I was still bleeding. I crudely covered my new cuts and covered my arm with my sleeve. I went to answer the door, and then I felt even more guilt at the sight of Damon, who I had been wanting to see all day. The one person who knew what I did, and would know now that I'd done it again, because there was fresh blood.

"Elena." He knew immediately, given the blood and my tears. He said my name with such tenderness, and looked at me with so much understanding, that I lost myself. How could he possibly be able to look at me without disgust?

Damon just hugged me, without words. He took my hand and pulled me into the bathroom, where he tended to my arm while I was in hysterics.

"You don't need to, Damon, I can. The blood..." I choked out.

"Its okay, I can handle it. The only reason I lost control last time was because you took me by surprise. Just relax." Damon kept working, bandaging and taping.

"I'm sorry." Was all I could think to say.

"You don't have to apologize to me, Elena. I wish you didn't feel like you had to do this, but I'm not going to judge you. There's now way I could understand what you're feeling now." He paused, with pain in his eyes. "I'm going to help you however I can, but this isn't my demon to fight, and I can't wrestle it for you. As much as I want to, I just can't."

I was tired, emotionally and physically. Damon sat on the couch with me in front of the TV, and I fell asleep on his shoulder. I felt so comfortable here.

I dreamed of Alaric Saltzman, walking into a bedroom, and seeing Damon draining the blood out of his wife.


	9. Chapter 8

**a/n:**

**This is a short chapter, and I apologize, but the next one will be longer. Reviews/comments/suggestions are encouraged! I haven't gotten any in a while, but I'm not one of those authors that will whine about lack of reviews and quit writing. I am passionate about this story, and I am putting a lot of time into grooming it into what I envisioned. Thanks for reading!**

**Trigger warning: self-harm**

* * *

I jolted awake. Momentarily disoriented, I looked around the room, and noticed Damon was gone. I was more disappointed than I ever would have admitted out loud. I wanted him to stay with me. Then I remembered what I had done to myself. I was sure Damon wanted nothing to do with me now, after seeing the way I carved up my arms.

"You're awake. I was making some tea." I heard Damon call from the kitchen.

I clumsily stood up from the couch, in a hurry to see him. He was in the kitchen, rummaging through tea options in the cabinet.

"You were dreaming. Were you fighting a bear? You got a little feisty for a little bit, there." He smirked, his eyes glinting with playfulness.

"Um, yeah, it was a strange dream. Very intense." I replied, unsure I wanted to shatter the lighthearted mood we were in.

Damon handed me a mug of peppermint tea, and sat at the table with me. His expression turned serious, and I knew what was coming.

"What happened? What made you so upset before I arrived today?" He looked like he was in pain.

"Nothing happened. Why would you think something happened?" I said, maybe too harshly. I didn't want to talk about this now.

"If nothing happened, why- Well, I just don't understand why you would hurt yourself like that." He was trying to understand, I knew that, but maybe it frustrated me so much because I didn't understand it myself.

"I didn't have a reason, Damon. There's never a reason. I do it because I'm empty. There's nothing left of me, I've been hollowed out." I sounded angry, but I was mostly afraid. I had never said these things out loud, and tears threatened to spill from my eyes. "I don't feel anything anymore, except when I cut. I wish I didn't, because I know its pathetic." I looked down at my cup, too embarassed to look Damon in the eye. "Its like I go into this trance, and when I do it, I feel things. I feel anger, sadness, pain. Its the only way I can get to a place where I'm not an empty shell." My voice was small now.

"I'm not judging you, Elena. I just don't get it." He reached across the table and grabbed my hand. "I don't need to understand. I just wish I could help you." His voice was smooth and gentle.

"No one can help me, Damon. There's nothing left." I still couldn't bring myself to look at him.

"Will you come with me? I want to show you something." He rose, and extended his hand to me.

I looked up, and his eyes were full of light. I knew that he was putting the subject of my self-harm on the back burner for now. I placed my hand in his, and he led me outside. I started toward his car, but he stopped me.

"We are going to walk. Is that okay?" He had a sly smile on his face.

I nodded, and we started down the street. He held my hand as we walked, and I noticed how beautiful it was outside. It had rained while I slept on the couch, and everything was clear and vibrantly green as a result. The sky was clear, and the light of late afternoon sparkled against the water that had yet to dry.

Damon and I rounded the corner, and the town square came into view. He led me around to the back of the clock tower, and I was confused.

"Why are we back here?" I was puzzled.

He flashed a devilish grin, and swooped me up into his arms. "Don't ask so many questions. You just have to trust me."

Then, Damon jumped. We were soaring. I squealed in surprise and delight. As gravity caught up to us, he perched us on the top of the tower. I had never seen Mystic Falls from this high up before. I could see everything. The hills in the distance, the woods, and most of the neighborhoods. It was stunning.

I smiled at the beauty of it. I looked at Damon, and I was speechless.

The sun began to set behind the hills, and the sky exploded into a thousand shades of orange and pink. Hints of purple danced around the farthest edges, and the area closest to the burning sun was an intense red. I had never seen anything like it.

"Are you okay, Elena?" Damon said, as he moved my hair off my shoulder.

I noticed the silent tears streaming down my face, and I blushed red. "That's embarrassing. I'm fine, its just- well, its so pretty."

He laughed softly then, and we watched in silence for a while. The colors slowly changed, intensified, and finally darkened.

"Thank you for bringing me here, Damon. That was so beautiful." I was still swooning from the performance that the sky had put on.

"I couldn't have you moping around all evening, Sunshine." He flashed a devilish grin.

"Hey! Don't make fun of me." He punched him in the arm.

"I brought you here because I wanted you to see that the world was still beautiful." He paused, searching for words. "In the midst of all that you're dealing with, the world still has beauty left to offer."

I chilled then, maybe at the intensity of his words, or simply due to the dropping night temperature. Damon draped his jacket over me. I breathed in the scent of him. Pine, musk, and a hint of Bourbon. It was an intoxicating smell.

"Damon, can I ask you something?"

"I suppose you can, you can do anything. Will you?" He smirked playfully.

I maintained a sense of seriousness. "My history teacher, Alaric Saltzman, came to talk to me after I got home last night."

He looked perplexed. "That was really late to be bringing you history assignments."

"Be serious please, Damon." I leaned back, taking in all the stars I could see from the top of this tower. "He knows about you and Stefan. About what you are. He was warning me to stay away from you."

As I waited for his reaction, I noticed Damon's posture was ridgid. His eyes were cold and icy, his lips pressed into a thin line. "Does this change things for you? You said you had a question. You never asked a question."

"I don't know, Damon. The next thing he told me was that he saw you feed on his wife, Damon. His wife who died that night." I was uncomfortable.

"You still haven't asked a question, Elena." He seemed angry. I didn't want him to be angry with me.

"I just want to know if its true." I asked, with an impossibly small voice. I didn't even know if he could hear me.

"Ask the question, Elena. Out loud, ask me." His nostrils were flared. He was agitated.

"Did you kill Alaric Saltzman's wife?" I said, my eyes on my feet.

"I don't know. I've killed a lot of people. I probably did kill her." He said with a cold voice.

"I though you said you didn't hurt people?" I mustered up the courage to look him in the eye.

"I didn't lie to you, Elena, if that's what you're insinuating. I don't harm humans anymore, I haven't since I arrived in Mystic Falls." He turned until his whole body faced me. "But that doesn't mean that I haven't killed people. I told you that. I'm a vampire. Vampires drink blood."

"I didn't accuse you, Damon. I just wanted to know. My history teacher came to my house in the middle of the night and said you murdered his wife. I wasn't going to form an opinion about it until I talked to you first." I was crying now, again, because I didn't want him to be angry.

"Look, I'm not 'good'. I'm not the good guy. I haven't killed anyone since I arrived here, but that doesn't make me a safe guy. Your history teacher is right, Elena. You should stay away." He was distancing himself from me.

"I don't want to, Damon. I admit its hard for me to comprehend the killing, but I'm willing to try, if that's not what you do anymore." I reached for his hand, but he pulled away.

"Let me take you home. Its cold out." He rose, obviously done with the conversation.

I climbed on to his back, and he jumped down from the clock tower. He landed so gently, it was as if the step off of the tower was a step on flat ground. After we landed, he loosened my arms from his neck and started towards my house. It was awkward then, as we walked in silence. I knew that Damon didn't want to talk to me anymore, now that he was suddenly worried about my safety around him. I didn't know what this meant, but I knew that it wasn't going to be easy to convince him to stay with me.


	10. Chapter 9

**a/n:**

**Hey! Thank you to YAZMIN V and sharpie78 for continuing to review. The fact that you take the time to let me know that you're interested in the story is quite encouraging.**

** There was some confusion as to why Damon reacted so coldly to Elena in the last chapter. Its important to remember that this is entirely Elena's POV, so we have gotten a very filtered view of Damon so far. There is much more to him then what Elena sees. Rest assured, he is the same Damon we all love, and this chapter will explain his motivation for reacting the way he did.**

**Read and review! Thank you so much.**

**xo**

**Trigger warning: anxiety and self-harm**

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More than a week had passed since I had seen Damon. More than a week of ignored calls and unanswered texts. I had even gone to the boarding house to speak with him, only to be answered by Stefan telling me that Damon didn't want to see me. I wasn't sure if it was because Damon finally realized how messed up I was, and didn't want anything to do with me. I didn't know if my pressing questions about Alaric's wife made him think I was nagging and judgmental. Whatever the reason, Damon wasn't speaking to me, and I was at a loss.

Bonnie and Caroline hung out with me at school, and even came over afterwards with me a few times. I told them that it didn't work out with Damon, and I didn't want to talk about it, so they didn't push the subject.

I was just as empty as I had been for months, not feeling anything, as much as I wanted to. I hated that I was so weak. I was cutting more than ever. Having run out of space on my arms, I had moved on to my legs. Red lines marking up my thighs like some sort of scabbed barcode. I didn't understand why I was unable to control the urges. I wanted to be normal, but I never would be.

At school, I avoided Mr. Saltzman in every way possible. I didn't want to talk to him, and now that Damon had walked out on me, Alaric had no reason to worry about my associating with vampires. I would arrive in his classroom right as class began, and rush out as soon as it ended.

When I think about it, maybe I shouldn't have been surprised at the way Damon had responded. I didn't really know him. I had known him for a few days, and for all I know, the compassionate and gentle Damon I had interacted with wasn't his true self. I had no idea. I tried not to let him get to me, but Damon invaded my every thought. Part of me wished I had never met him, and that I had never found out that vampires existed. The other part of me relished in the idea that being with Damon made me feel more alive than I had in months.

As I walked to my car from school on Friday, bracing for yet another panic attack to come and strangle me, I was surprised to see a male figure leaning against my truck. As I got closer, I realized it was Alaric Saltzman.

"Hi, Elena." He said when I reached him.

"Can I help you?" I was seething, mainly because I blamed him for driving a wedge between Damon and me.

"Please, just hear me out." He raised up his hands, as if he were trying to show he wasn't a threat to me. "I realize that my showing up at your house in the middle of the night and calling you stupid was incredibly rude, and borderline creepy. That was not my intention." He looked like he was pleading for forgiveness or something.

"What was your intention then, if not to impose your opinions on me?" I said, with every bit of sass I could muster.

"I just know what kind of monsters vampires are, Elena. I didn't want to see you get hurt. Damon Salvatore is a killer, and I didn't want you to get hurt." HIs voice seemed sincere.

"I don't presume to know what Damon used to be like. He did not lie to me about his past." I paused, trying to cool my tone. "I'm really sorry about your wife, I truly am, but I'm not in this anymore. Damon told me that I wasn't safe, and I haven't heard from him in over a week. You don't need to worry about me."

"Nevertheless, I apologize for my behavior. Though I can't say I'm sorry that it didn't work out between you two." He began to walk away, toward his own vehicle.

"Thanks for the apology. I will see you Monday, Mr. Saltzman." I approached the driver's door of my truck.

"Elena?" He called to me. "Call me Ric."

I nodded, gave an emotionless smile, and hopped into my truck. As usual, the water creeped around me, and I was drowning once again. I fought it with everything I could, but my lungs filled. I was gasping for breath, and my thoughts were scattered. I was alone here, and I was going to die here. Images of my mother, my father, Jeremy, Caroline, Matt, and Bonnie flashed in my mind. My loved ones, now lost to me forever.

My eyes flashed open, and I realized that it wasn't real, just another anxiety attack. I struggled against the tightness in my chest, the constriction of my lungs. I battled my thoughts, forcing myself to focus on reality. I was here, at my school, and there was no water in sight. Painfully slow, my breathing started to regulate, and my body began to relax. These panic episodes were a part of me now, but I hated them with every fiber of my being. They had taken over me, killed me numerous times, and I despised them.

It was only when I arrived at the boarding house that I realized I hadn't driven myself home. I didn't plan on coming here, and didn't remember deciding to try and talk to Damon again. Everything in me wanted to see him. Part of me was kicking myself for being so in love with him after such a small amount of interaction, but I couldn't deny how I felt.

I sauntered up the steps, and entered without knocking. I wasn't going to let Stefan turn me away this time. They were vampires, so I knew they could already hear me. I marched through the main part of the house, and went straight to Damon's bedroom. Of course, I remembered exactly where it was. I barged in, acting as tough as I could manage, and didn't see him. looking around, I went back out into the hall. Walking back to the common area, I noticed a fire was blazing in the fireplace, so I knew someone had to be home.

"Elena?" I heard from directly behind me.

No footsteps had alerted me to his presence, and I gasped as I whirled around, stumbling right into his solid torso. My face dangerously close to him, he steadied me by my elbows and stepped back.

"What are you doing here?" His familiar blue eyes held a look of pain, but his voice sounded relieved.

"I needed to see you." I held his gaze.

"Elena, I told you, it isn't safe. I'm not safe." His jaw was ridgid. "I can't be selfish with you. I'm not right for you, as much as I want you." His lips pursed, and he looked like he was battling something in his head.

"You don't get to make my choices for me, Damon. I choose to be with you. I've considered the risks, and I decided that they're worth it. You're worth it." I said gently, as ever-present tears pricked my eyes.

"You don't know the real me, Elena. I'm selfish, and rude, and I don't take other people's lives or feelings into consideration. Except you." He said cooly, trying to distance himself again.

"You aren't going to scare me away. I think that the way you are with me is the real you. I may not know every side of you, but the person I met was real. There is no way that the selfish person you just described to me is the real you, because you can't fake the amount of compassion you have shown me." I reached out to touch him, but he pulled further away from me.

"I can't, Elena. I can't bear to see you hurt anymore, and I am even more disgusted by the thought of causing you more pain myself." He started to back away. "You should go."

I stomped my foot and the tears sprang forth unhindered. "Stop it, Damon! You don't get to decide this for me, as some ridiculous attempt to protect me. You don't get to swoop in and sweep me of my feet, and show me impossible sunsets, and do all of these things, and then just walk out on me, and not speak to me for a week." I quieted my voice. "You need to let me decide for myself what I can and cannot handle."

Damon dropped his head, then. When he raised it, he had tears in his own eyes. "I'm sorry, Elena. I want to be with you. I Just don't deserve you. I can't justify this. I killed your teacher's wife. I've killed hundreds of innocent people. I just need some time to think about this." He stepped forward, and kissed me on the forehead, tears falling down his face.

"Fine, Damon. Take all the time you want. You're not going to scare me away, and you need to realize that I am capable of deciding things for myself." I turned and headed for the door, slamming it behind me.

Inside my truck, I sobbed. I wanted Damon to tell me that he didn't like me, that he wasn't interested in me. I didn't want him to tell me that he wanted me too much. After a while, I drove myself home, exhausted from crying once again. Damon was wrong, it was me that didn't deserve him, not the other way around.

Who knows? Maybe after Damon thought about it for a little while, he would change his mind. If it really was about him being to "bad" for me, maybe he would realize that it just wasn't true. He could realize that he was the best thing that had happened to me in a long time.

I went inside, not ready for what I saw. Jeremy and Vicki, half-naked in the middle of the foyer.

"God, Jeremy, at least go upstairs." I scoffed at him. Jealous that he had someone to hold on to.

"Sorry, Elena. Didn't know you were coming home." Jeremy looked at me, and saw my puffy eyes and streaked makeup. "Have you been crying? Are you okay?" He said with tenderness.

"I'm fine, Jer, thanks for asking. Really, I'm just exhausted." I said, not wanting him to question me further or ask about Damon. If he did, I might start crying again.

Jeremy hugged me, despite the awkwardness of him shirtless and with Vicki standing there with an unbuttoned shirt. I missed this Jeremy, the one who was sweet and sober. He squeezed me tightly, and I tried to remember all the times before, when things were simple. When I was just a cheerleader and he was just an awkward young teenager, worrying about relationships and school. I longed to go back to that more than anything else.

I didn't know what Damon was going to decide, but I was going to try to give him some space to figure it out. He said he didn't want to be selfish with me. I wished that he would. No matter what Damon thought about himself, I knew that he wasn't a monster. He thought that he was going to corrupt me or something? I was lost. My thoughts racing, scrambling, and overwhelming me. I just wanted Damon, and I couldn't comprehend why he wouldn't just accept the way he said he felt and stay with me.

I hid in the bathroom, adding more carnage to my thighs. I needed to feel it all, instead of it being trapped inside my head. Kicking myself because of my weakness, I just sat on the floor and felt the sting.

When I finally got up, wrapped in a towel, I wandered into my bedroom. As I dressed, I felt the same feeling I had last week, which seemed so long ago now. Someone was watching me, I was sure. When it feels like you're being watched, it usually means that you are, in fact, being watched. I leaned out of the window, but saw nothing. Was Damon spying on me?

"Damon? Are you out here?" I had hoped he would answer by jumping through my window and epically kissing me, but there was no reply. Only silence and stillness.

I gave up with a sigh, and shut off the lights. Crawling in bed, trying to relax, the feeling of being watched never went away. I tried to take comfort in the fact that it was just Damon, and he was here, keeping an eye out for me. I just wanted him to be here with me, holding me.


	11. Chapter 10

**trigger warning: anxiety and self-harm**

A few more days had passed since I'd stopped in on Damon unannounced. I was losing faith that he would come around and change his mind about leaving me alone. I sat at my vanity, staring at myself in the mirror. It would make sense for Damon to not want anything to do with me. I wasn't even a person anymore, there was nothing left of the old Elena. I knew I was in bad shape, as the girl in the mirror was pale and lifeless. My once lustrous hair was now dull and limp, and the shadows under my eyes were prominent. My skin had lost almost all color, as if even my blood had been drained from my body. I laughed internally as I realized the irony of the fact that I looked like I had been drained of blood, even after the vampire in my life had walked away.

The scars on my body were multiplying rapidly. Not a day went by that I didn't add more of them to my once flawless skin. I put on some makeup, desperate to at least look like I was alive. Sauntering down the steps, I saw Jeremy sitting on the couch, playing video games. I sat down next to him. I immediately noticed his glassy eyes, and I knew he was high.

"Lazy day, huh?" I said, making it obvious that I knew what he did in his free time.

"Yep. Vicky is out with Tyler today, so I'm going to meet up with her tonight at the bonfire in the woods that the cheerleaders are throwing." He stated dryly, concentrating on his game.

Of course Vicky was out with Tyler. She dated Tyler Lockwood, the Mayor's son, in public. In private, she did drugs and slept with my brother. Jeremy was infatuated with her, but she could care less about him. Jeremy and Tyler were always a step away from an all-out brawl, where Vicky was concerned. It always worried me, because Tyler was on the football team, and my scrawny brother didn't stand a chance against him in a fight.

I sighed, knowing that reasoning with Jeremy on the subject was pointless. "Just be careful, Jer. You deserve better."

He laughed, and rolled his eyes. "Yeah, okay, whatever."

I could tell he didn't want to talk about it, so I just sat there with him, watching him play his video game. I laid sideways, throwing my feet into his lap, and I was hit with another wave of nostalgia. I was reminded of a simpler time when we were happy and whole. When we were carefree. I desperately missed it once again.

"Will you come with me to the party in the woods tonight? I think it'd be really good for you to get out and see everyone outside of school." He had paused his game to look at me.

"I don't think so. I'm not really in the mood to party."

"Please, Elena? I know you're sad, but Bonnie and Caroline will be there, and its just one night. Please come." He had turned on the cute puppy eyes, and I couldn't fight him.

"Fine. I will go to the stupid party." I grumbled in defeat.

Jeremy smiled. "Good."

The day dragged on, and I was dreading the evening ahead. Caroline would be so happy that I came, considering it was her party. I supposed it would be good to see her and Bonnie.

As the sun started to set, I started to get ready. After I showered, I perused my closet, looking for something decent to wear that didn't show my scars. I settled on some skinny jeans and layered a few tank tops, and finished with a brown leather jacket. I came downstairs, where Jeremy was waiting. Grabbing my keys, we headed for my truck.

Once again, inside my vehicle, the water rushed into my lungs. Gasping and choking, I sobbed. Jeremy knew about my anxiety, but he had never seen me in the midst of an attack. He was helpless, trying to remain calm himself as he soothingly rubbed my back.

"Shhh, Elena, you have to breathe. You're safe. Nice and slow." He crouched over, so that he was looking me in the eye. "Eyes on me, Elena. Breathe with me."

As I struggled for a few minutes, the panic began to ease. "Sorry, Jer. Thanks for helping."

"Of course. I just didn't know how bad it was. Does that happen all the time?" He was looking at me with sincere pity. I knew he wished he could help.

I pulled out of the driveway and headed for the party. "Yeah, every time I get into a car. Its no big deal."

"I'm sorry I can't fix it for you." He put a hand on my shoulder.

"Its okay, Jer." I smiled. As far as brothers were concerned, mine was top of the line. I couldn't ask for a better one.

We arrived at the place where the party was. As I strolled towards the old church, I remembered the story of the vampires who were burned to death inside it, back in 1864. I filed that thought away, so that I wouldn't think about Damon. I couldn't have him in my thoughts right now. I reached up and grabbed the necklace he had given me, to keep my thoughts safe from vampires. I approached the clearing, noticing that there were already a lot of people there. I also saw that there were several kegs spread out everywhere.

"Elena! You came!" I heard Caroline call out.

She hugged me, and Bonnie wasn't very far behind. "Hey, Elena. I'm glad you're here." Bonnie smiled.

"Jeremy practically dragged me, but I'm here." I grabbed a drink.

The party grew, until there were more people than I could keep track of. I stayed with Bonnie and Caroline for most of the night. I hoped I wasn't bothering them by being a shadow, but I didn't have anyone else. I continued to drink, and my thoughts became fuzzy. My body felt light, and I felt a different kind of numbness. I got lost in the feeling.

I started to feel like it was too much, and I needed to go home. Caroline was too drunk to function, and I found out that Bonnie had gone home already. Parties like this weren't really her style.

Going off to look for Jeremy, I stumbled into the woods. He was probably making out with Vicky somewhere, but I needed him to drive me home. Even though he wasn't old enough to drive just yet, I knew that he knew how to drive already.

I couldn't think straight, and I was unable to make my feet continue in a straight path. As I walked, I no longer knew where exactly I was. There wasn't anyone around anymore, and I was vaguely concerned about being lost.

I tripped over a branch, and began to fall towards the ground. Someone caught me, and stood me upright.

"Woah, easy there. You okay?" Said a voice that I did not recognize. I looked up to see a stranger, a guy who looked to be around my age, if not a few years older. I had never seen him before.

"I'm fine, thanks, just looking for my brother." I turned to walk away.

After only a few steps, the stranger was right in front of me again. Impossibly fast. "You really do look just like her. I heard the doppelganger was here, but I needed to see it for myself." He looked at me with a sinister smile.

I knew then that he was a vampire, and I threw myself into a run. He was in front of me once again, using speed No human would ever be capable of.

He looked right into my eyes, and said "Don't be afraid. I'm not going to hurt you. Not yet, anyway." He didn't know I was wearing my vervain necklace, but he had compelled me not to be afraid, so I decided to fake it.

"There are a lot of people who would like to find you, little one. I never would have believed how much you look like Katherine, had I not seen it with my own eyes." He stared at me in the eyes again. "Don't scream. I'm just going to taste."

Never losing the evil smile, his face started to change, the same way Damon's had the day I cut my finger at his house and he hadn't expected it. The strangers eyes turned black, and dark veins appeared around his eyes. I closed my eyes when I saw his teeth become fangs. The bite didn't come, though. I opened my eyes, and his head had snapped up, hearing something that I couldn't. "Forget all of this. You never saw me." Then, in a flash, he was gone.

I sobbed. A vampire tried to feed on me. Damon thought he was the one who was a danger to me, but apparently my very identity put me in danger from vampires. I didn't know what to think. The stranger had said that other vampires would be looking for me. I fell to the ground, sobbing.

I heard the leaves rustling, and I was terrified. Perhaps the stranger had come back to drink my blood. Then I saw Jeremy from between two trees. "Elena, are you okay? I've been looking for you everywhere." He ran over to me, seeing my hysterics.

"I'm fine, I just got lost. I was looking for you, and then I didn't know where I was. I feel sick, Jer, I need to go home." I was still sobbing, overwhelmed by the events of the night.

"Yeah, I will take you. Come on." Jeremy snaked his arms under my own, pulling me from the ground. As soon as I was on my feet, I vomited.

I was feeling dizzier than ever then, and I couldn't hold myself up. Jeremy picked me up, one arm at my back and the other underneath my knees, and started to the truck. He took the keys from my pocket, and placed me in the passenger seat. Half-conscious, I was partially aware of him getting in the driver's side and the truck easing forward.

When we got to the house, I was stable enough to walk with Jeremy's help. I stumbled up the steps, and made it to the door. Inside the house, Jenna was waiting.

"Where have you been? What happened?" She asked sternly.

"At the bonfire. Elena had too much to drink." Jeremy voiced matter-of-factly.

"She drove like this?" Jenna looked infuriated.

"No, I did. I drove her truck. No problem." Jeremy was practically holding all of my weight, with my arm over his shoulders, him supporting me by the waist.

"Get her upstairs. We will talk about this tomorrow." Jenna said, and Jeremy began leading me to the stairs. "Call me next time, okay? I won't get mad. I will come get you. I just need you two to be safe." Jenna's voice started to break at the end of her sentence.

"Okay. We will call next time. Sorry Jenna. Didn't mean to worry you." Jeremy said with complete sincerity.

Once up the stairs, Jeremy took my shoes off and helped me into bed. I was almost instantly unconscious. I slept hard, the alcohol inducing a slumber that was probably more like a coma.

**a/n: so don't hate me for the lack of Damon in this chapter, but I had to build the plot! I don't want this to just be a fluff piece. I highly appreciate the reviews, please keep them coming. I promise Delena will happen soon! You guys are great.**

**Xoxo**


	12. Chapter 11

**a/n: hello all! Sharpie78, thank you so much for your continued insightful reviews. They keep me sharp. You are always on the same page as me though! I promise all of your questions will be answered in due time. Keep asking them though, it helps me to be sure there are no major holes in the story.**

**The chapter all you Delena fans have been waiting for has arrived! R&R please!**

**Xoxo**

**Trigger warning: self-harm.**

* * *

I was running. Fleeing from someone, racing through the woods. I dodged tree after tree, trying to escape my pursuer. I looked back, smiling that he was now out of sight. I had gotten away. That was when I slammed into something as solid as a brick wall. I reeled back, falling to the ground at the sudden impact. Looking up, I saw what I had crashed into. The stranger from the bonfire. He looked into my eyes, with his startlingly sinister grin. With black eyes, and veins prominent, his fangs appeared, and he lunged.

I woke up with a start, breathing heavily. I looked around to find I was in my bed. Looking at the clock, I saw it was three in the morning. I was sober, but my head was throbbing from the alcohol I had consumed a few hours ago.

Panicking at the memory of the stranger from the woods, I scrambled to grab my phone. Scrolling through the address book, I finally found Damon's name. I took a deep breath, and hit the button, immediately hearing the dialing. It rang several times, but there was no answer. Was he really still ignoring my calls? I dialed him again immediately. Again, there was no answer. When his voicemail message came on, it was short and cold. "Damon. Leave a message."

"Damon, please call me. I wouldn't be calling you at this hour if it wasn't important. Please, call me as soon as you get this." I said after the beep.

I sent him a text.

** its important. Please call. **

I was freaking out, worrying that the stranger would find me at my house. I started to sob. He almost fed on me, in the woods. If Jeremy hadn't come looking for me, he would have drank my blood. The thought of that was chilling. I was powerless to stop it. I tried to cry quietly, so not to wake Jeremy or Jenna.

I cried for a long time. I cried because I looked like Katherine, because Damon wouldn't talk to me, because I didn't know who this stranger was, and because I didn't know what was coming next. I was this "doppelganger". I didn't know what that meant, but I knew that other vampires were looking for me. Damon walking out on me didn't save me. Having him, a vampire, in my life wasn't keeping me out of trouble. My mere existence as a living copy of Katherine was putting me in danger.

In the midst of my sobs, the phone buzzed. Someone was calling. My vision was too blurred to see the name, but I knew that it had to be Damon, since it was the middle of the night.

"Elena, what's going on? You said it was important." His voice sounded rushed and anxious.

"Damon." I couldn't mask the relief that came from hearing his voice. "Please- something happened, I-" I tried to calm down enough to explain, but I couldn't stop gasping with my hysterical sobbing.

"Are you hurt? What's going on? Talk to me, Elena." He pressed.

"No- not hurt. Please just come Damon." More rushed gasps. "I'm so scared."

Damon hung up. He just hung up on me. I guess he couldn't handle my hysterics in the middle of the night. I must seem like the most clingy, desperate girl on the planet. I couldn't stop my tears, overwhelmed by everything that was happening to me. I was frantically watching, looking back and forth from my window to my bedroom door, waiting for the stranger to walk in at any moment.

I saw a flash of movement outside my window, and my heart began to race. The stranger had come for me. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping he would kill me quickly.

"Elena?" I heard a familiar voice call quietly to me, from inside my bedroom.

My eyes flashed open, and I leaped from my bed, colliding into Damon with so much force that the impact would have been painful had it not been for the adrenaline coursing through my veins. The relief that washed through me was instantaneous. Damon may not love me, but I felt considerably safer having him here with me now. My sobs continued as I burrowed my face into his chest.

"Shh, its okay. You're okay." He said with such a gentle voice. His arms finally encircled me, as he had time to recover from my assault. "I'm sorry I hung up on you, I just had to get here." He rubbed my back, as I continued to calm down.

My breathing slowed, and I realized suddenly that this was incredibly inappropriate, me being in his arms like this after he had told me that he didn't want to be in my life anymore.

"I'm sorry Damon, I just-" I backed away from him.

"Don't apologize, just tell me what is going on. You said something happened."

I proceeded to tell him everything that happened at the bonfire. I informed him that the stranger in the woods had told me that other vampires were talking about me, and he wanted to see for himself that I was real. I told him that he called me the doppelganger. I even told Damon that the stranger had tried to feed on me, even though my breathing hitched when I remembered the look in his eyes.

"I'm sorry I called you so late. I was just so scared that he was going to come back for me." I looked down, embarrassed.

"He hasn't been invited in, Elena. He can't get to you as long as you're here. But I'm relieved that you called me." Damon tenderly grabbed my hand.

"I guess I forgot about that. I was just so overwhelmed with everything he told me. I thought with you leaving me, that I wouldn't be dealing with vampires." I looked out the window. "I guess it doesn't matter if you're in my life or not, they're still coming for me. I just wish I knew why."

Damon tilted my chin toward him, and looked me in the eyes. "I'm so sorry, for not being there. I thought that you would be safer, away from me. That was stupid. You look like Katherine, and I don't know what that means, but it has to mean something, and I never should have left you alone." He looked like he was pleading with me. "I never stopped wanting you, Elena. I just wanted you to have better in your life than me."

The last of the tears I had left streamed down my face. Damon was here, and he had said he wanted me. When I called, he came right away. The monsters waiting for me felt like they were miles away. It was just Damon and me here.

"You want me?" I gazed at him.

"Of course I do, Elena. I never stopped wanting you. I want you too much. Every thought I've had the last two weeks has been of you." He looked deep in thought, his brows knitting together.

"I just thought you were put off by everything. My issues, y'know?" I looked down again, not able to look him in the eyes. He knew everything about me. Every broken and ugly piece of me.

"Elena." Was all he said as he grabbed my face between his hands and kissed me. It was gentle at first, then it was deep. Our mouths melded together, and in that moment, time ceased to exist. He removed my shirt, and as his hands began to roam, he drew back suddenly, with a gasp. I realized too late that he would find the dozens of cuts that had migrated to my torso.

In a moment, my heart dropped. When I thought that I didn't have any tears left, more began to flood down my face. I buried my head in my hands, as the shame swallowed me whole. Damon said nothing, he only stood up. I thought he was going to leave again, but instead he moved to lie next to me. He held me close as I cried, and we laid there in the silence, the only sound being my occasional sob or sniffle.

The next thing I knew, it was morning, and Damon was no longer next to me. There was a glass of water and a couple of aspirin on my bedside table, and I smiled at his thoughtfulness. My head pounded, due to the ceaseless crying, and my drunkenness from the night before. I took the aspirin, and realized how dehydrated I was when I guzzled the entire glass right away.

I dressed and went downstairs, in search of coffee. My head still pounding, I strolled into the kitchen. When I walked in, I saw Jenna, but she wasn't alone. Alaric Saltzman was here, having coffee with her. This must be why Damon was gone when I woke up. He would have heard when Alaric came in.

"Good morning, Elena." Alaric said, a little bit too loudly for my sensitive headache.

"Hello, Mr. Saltzman." I replied, trying to sound as normal as possible. It was difficult when my mouth felt like it was full of cotton.

"I told you, call me Ric. Its much less of a mouthful." He smiled at me.

"Right. Nice to see you, Ric." I made my coffee, and turned to leave the kitchen. "Jenna, can I talk to you for a second?"

Jenna smiled and came into the living room with me. I didn't hesitate with my burning question. "What is he doing here?"

Jenna's face turned serious. "For your information, I have a date. He wants to have lunch with me. He's the first respectable man I have met in a very long time, and he wants to go out with me. During the daytime." She crossed her arms. "You don't get to ask any more questions. We are still going to discuss last night. You coming in at 1am slobbering drunk, and making Jeremy drive you home without a license. It was reckless, Elena."

"I know, Jenna. I'm so sorry. Truly, I am. I never meant to do any of that. I just lost control of myself." I tried to convey the depth of my remorse.

Jenna sighed. "Is this because of Damon? I know you didn't know him for long, but I could tell that you really liked him." I had forgotten Jenna even knew about Damon. "I've been trying to give you space, but I just want you to know you can talk to me." She looked at me tentatively.

"We had a misunderstanding, but we worked it out this morning. I really do like him. I feel things for him that I've never felt before." I smiled at the thought of him.

"I'm glad. It's nice to see you smile again, I almost forgot what that looked like." She smiled back at me for a moment, then sighed. "Now, back to last night. I try to give you guys space. I try not to smother you. I think you're old enough to decide things for yourselves. All I expect from you is a little bit of responsibility." Jenna looked down. "I'm doing the best I can. Just- just call me next time, okay? I don't expect perfection, just be a little smarter next time, alright?"

"Yeah, okay." I nodded as I spoke. "I'm sorry, Jenna. Thank you for everything. You're doing a great job, and I know we don't always show you how much we appreciate you." I hugged her tightly. "I love you, Aunt Jenna."

"I love you too, sweet girl. Now, if we are past this, I'm gonna go get ready for my hot date." Jenna laughed and flipped her hair dramatically. I laughed in return, glad to see her happy.

My phone buzzed in my pocket.

** sorry I had to run. Teacher showed up. Stay hydrated, the aspirin should help the headache. See you soon. **

I quickly typed up a reply.

** found the aspirin. Thank you. Teacher taking aunt on a date. Awkward! Miss you. **

I headed back upstairs, desperate for a shower. As I stood under the hot stream, thoughts of the previous night flooded through my head. Everything that happened- from the stranger in the woods, to Damon coming back to me, to Damon seeing my new cuts. It was all so much, and as I thought about it, the emptiness returned. I felt the urge rise up in me again, and I knew what I was going to do, even though I knew it was ridiculous. I had Jeremy, the best brother in the world. I had Jenna, who loved me and my brother so much. I had Bonnie and Caroline, who hadn't walked out on me no matter what I did to push them away. Lastly, I had Damon. He hadn't been scared off by my mental insanity, and he had come back to me despite everything.

As much as I knew how much I had in life, I couldn't fight the urge. Cutting made me feel like I was alive. I didn't get that rush from anything else, and I ached to feel it again. I cried as I sliced my stomach, knowing that this was pathetic and weak. I wanted to be stronger. The onslaught of emotion hit me, and I closed my eyes to let myself feel it all.

I was a mess. I cried more than anyone on earth. I wished I could get better, knowing that there were a lot people out there who had bigger problems than I did. I was just too feeble to stand against the abyss. I didn't know if this would ever end.


	13. Chapter 12

**a/n: sorry it been a couple of days since I posted. I got a couple of hateful PM'S about how I'm dealing with the cutting and anxiety. Please pay in mind that Elena's issues are almost a direct mirror of my own. I have been in recover for almost a year, from PTSD, Anxiety, Anorexia, and self-harm. Apart from the vampires and the romance, this story is more or less a reflection of my life. Mental illness is messy, and switches don't just flip off, making you stop all of a sudden. Getting into a relationship doesn't fix you, either. So please, I appreciate the constructive criticism, but I cannot and will not tolerate hateful messages. **

**this chapter will be heavy and dark, and you may not agree with it. I had decided a long time ago that I was going to include all of the worst parts of what I have dealt with in this story, and after thinking it over for a couple of days, I have decided to proceed. I will not sugar-coat things for the sake of making a lighthearted story. Please bear in mind that this is quite difficult for me, and that these things are based on a real-life person.**

**R&R, please. I can take criticism, just not hatred. Thank you!**

**Xoxo**

**Ember to Ash**

**Trigger warning: rape, self-harm**

** can you come over please? I miss you. **

I sent the text to Damon, after Ric and Jenna had left on their lunch date. Unsure of how it was going to play out, with Ric being a vampire-hater and his potential girlfriend's niece having one of them for a boyfriend. I was happy for Jenna, but I couldn't deny I was a bit worried about the whole situation. Damon hadn't lied about being unpredictable, and I wondered if he would kill Ric if a problem should arise. I hoped not, because Ric seemed nice. I didn't want Damon killing people, either.

My phone vibrated once, a text appearing from Damon.

** will come by when I can. Helping Stef with something. Miss u 2 **

I sighed, wishing he was here, but I understood. Deciding to fight what was left of my hangover, I settled on going for a run. Throwing on my active wear and lacing up my tennis shoes, I headed out the door. Music blared through the headphones in my ears.

I relished in the rush of exercise. I hadn't been running in months. I was vaguely aware that this feeling was similar to the feeling I got after I cut. Maybe I should try this more often. It wasn't like I tried to hurt myself, in the beginning. The numbness had just gotten to be too much, and I needed to feel something. To feel anything at all.

I was lost in my thoughts, and my music was loud. When I rounded the corner, I ran into something solid. Looking up at the tall figure, I realized it was the stranger from the woods. My heart dropped to my stomach. I got up to run, but he grabbed my arm, and before I knew what was happening, he had me in an iron-tight chokehold. I was desperate for someone to see what was happening and help me, but the streets were empty. I struggled against the stranger's grip, but it was useless. My vision was blurred, and I was losing consciousness.

When I awoke, I was in the woods, near where I had encountered the stranger for the first time. It was dark now. I had been unconscious all day. My search for my cell phone was in vain, it was nowhere to be found. I looked around, and I was alone. I got up, preparing to sprint out of the woods, but as soon as the ruins of Fell's Church came into view, I saw him. The stranger, staring at me with the chilling smile that haunted me, even in my dreams.

"Finally, you're awake. You have wasted a full day. What a shame." He stepped toward me, and I automatically stepped back myself, not wanting him to close any of the distance between us.

"What do you want?" I asked, my voice shaking from fear and adrenaline.

"I want what almost every vampire wants. Katherine Pierce's head on a platter." He came at me with supernatural speed, so that he was inches from me.

"I'm not Katherine." I crossed my arms, uncomfortable at the stranger's proximity.

"I know you aren't her, you stupid girl. However, you look like her, and that just reminds me of how she ruined my life. Plus, doppelgangers are a very rare commodity. Color me intrigued." He was still smiling, but there was pain in his eyes. "Nice trick last time we met, by the way. Pretending my compulsion worked, even though you were wearing Vervain. Genius move, actually."

"Who are you?" I inquired of him.

"It doesn't matter who I am, little one. I suppose since you are being so cooperative, I will throw you a bone. My name is Lucas. Katherine Pierce killed my wife, and turned me into a vampire back in 1632. She said she found me interesting. Then when she tired of me a few months later, she was gone without a trace." He looked at me, as if I were Katherine. "I have hated her every moment since, and I wish her dead."

"Katherine burned to death in 1864. In that church over there." I pointed to Fell's Church.

"You are wrong, little one. The church burned, yes. Though no one burned inside it." He waved his hand, motioning for me to walk.

I moved in the direction he pointed out to me, until I was inside the ruins of the church. I noticed a hole had been beaten through the stone floor, and a chasm lied beneath. Suddenly, Lucas grabbed me by the waist and jumped into the hole, all before I even knew what was happening.

I gasped as we hit the ground, where he immediately released me. He lit a flashlight, and I saw where I was. It was a cavernous stone room, and off to one side, there was a large stone door with a pentagram. Lucas began to push the stone, and revealed a doorway, but it was too dark to see what was inside.

"Its a tomb. All of the vampires who were trapped in the church are in there. Katherine struck a deal with a witch to protect them from the flames. The entryway, however, seems to be sealed with magic. No vampires can get in or out." He stated plainly.

"What does any of this have to do with me?" I was thoroughly creeped out by the cold, dark cave, and discovering that there were over two dozen starving vampires inside. "Where are these vampires?"

"When a vampire goes a long time without blood, their body begins to dessicate. Their blood stops pumping, and their heart stops. So they aren't dead, but they are immobilized. Frozen, if you will." He walked towards me again. "As for you, little one, this particular thing has nothing to do with you. I am solely interested in you because you bear Katherine's likeness."

"Can I go, then? I mean, if this has nothing to do with me." I asked.

"Oh, young one, I fear you may have misinterpreted my civility. You are not Katherine, but you will do for satisfying my need to see the suffering cross her face. You know, since you have the same face. Until I find a witch who can break the spell and get me in the tomb, you will suffice." He flashed the same smile from my nightmare, and I didn't know what to do. I was trapped down here with him, and I couldn't do anything to stop him from killing me.

"I am not going to kill you, darling. Klaus would not be happy to hear that the doppelganger was killed." He brushed the hair from my face.

I didn't have time to wonder about who Klaus was, because just then, Lucas pushed me against the wall. His hand around my throat, his eyes were black. I didn't know what he was going to do, but I was afraid that it was going to be worse than him killing me. The wild smile on his face told me that what was about to happen was going to be worse than anything I had experienced before.

When I was on the brink of unconsciousness for the second time today, he released my throat. Throwing me into the wall again, I fell to the ground. Coughing and bleeding, I lied there in a crumpled mess on the floor.

"You know, Katherine, I wonder how you will feel when I am in control this time." He said.

As I realized that he didn't see me as a human anymore, it became clear that he was in another world. Hundreds of years of fantasizing getting revenge on Katherine had cracked him. In that moment, I was Katherine. I didn't know what he meant by "in control". Maybe Katherine took advantage of him somehow. I didn't know.

While I wondered, I noticed that he had crouched down next to me. "My turn, Katherine. My turn."

At those words, he started to take my clothes off. The shock of it all left me breathless. This was the last thing I expected to happen. Ripping and shredding, I was left with nothing. I heard the impossibly loud sound of a zipper, and I tried to shut it out. I tried to escape inside my head. I knew I couldn't fight off a vampire. I was a virgin, and this was going to be it. Definitely not how I imagined it. I heard my ripping sobs, and nothing else. Lucas was moving in on me, and I was out of time.

It was quick, but painful. Every moment of it, I was wishing for death. This vampire did not see me as a breakable human. While he avoided breaking any bones, I knew that these injuries were going to last a long time. When Lucas finished exacting his revenge on Katherine through me, he picked me up and jumped out of the cavernous room. He seemed to be back to the way he was, before he turned into a monster.

"I am sorry that you had to endure that. You can blame Katherine. You are guilty of nothing but sharing a face with that of evil incarnate." He laid me on the ground outside the church, covered me with his jacket, and dropped my phone on a pile of leaves next to me. Then, he was gone.

I tried to stand, but my muscles screamed their protest. My head ached from hitting it against the stone wall. I reached for my phone, unsure who to call. I didn't want Damon to see me this way. I saw a couple of missed calls and texts from Jenna, wondering where I have been all day. The last text said she assumed I was with Damon and she would stop bothering me. Damon had texted me once, about two hours ago, only to say he was going to Georgia for the evening to find out something for Stefan.

I called someone that I knew would help me. Someone who wouldn't think I was crazy when they found out that it was a vampire who hurt me.

"Alaric. Its Elena. I need help."

**a/n: if you or someone you know is struggling with the aftermath of rape and need help, visit .org for more information.**


	14. Chapter 13

**a/n: So sorry it took me so long to update. I have been trying to figure out how I will continue. I also have been rather discouraged by some of the comments I have received via anonymous reviewers. Let me be clear: I have given full warnings as to what this chapter will contain, and I have not misled you into thinking it is going to be some fluffy Delena piece. It is dark, and it is real. So don't accuse me of anything. If you do not wish to continue this story, I won't take it personally. **

**As for the rest of you, I really appreciate the kind reviews that I have received. I am not looking for sympathy. One thing I have realized through all of this is that I am not writing this story for you. I am writing it for me. However, if you do happen to enjoy this piece, or have comments or questions, please review or private message them to me. So with that, please enjoy!**

**Trigger warning: This chapter deals strongly with the aftermath of rape, and it also mentions self-harm. Please do not continue if this will be traumatic for you in any way. While it is not graphic, it is realistic, so please keep that in mind.**

**xoxo**

**Ember to Ash**

* * *

"Alaric, it's Elena. I need help." I choked out, though I was surprised I had any voice left. I felt impossibly small. Fragile and feeble, completely helpless.

"Elena? What's wrong? Are you okay?" He asked, sounding confused.

"Vampire. I didn't know who else to call, I-"

"Where are you?" He interrupted my pathetic attempt to explain things over the phone.

"Outside Old Fell's Church." I was so weak, that I didn't know how I was going to function properly ever again.

"I'm on my way. Hold on. You are going to be okay." He said, quickly, and then the line cut off.

I waited for Alaric to come. I still didn't know how I was going to explain all of this to Damon. I didn't know how I was going to explain this to anyone. Damon was so good to me, despite all of my issues, and despite hardly knowing me. Even when he came into my life, despite all of his goodness, my anxiety and cutting had failed to subside. I fondly remembered that day I saw Damon running near my house. I was in the middle of a panic attack, but it stopped the moment I saw him. I wondered why that hadn't lasted, because now, even though I saw Damon often, my anxiety hadn't ebbed in the slightest. I closed my eyes, wishing it would all just stop. The fear, and the pain. I closed my eyes, and I kept them closed.

I woke up in the leaves, still on the ground outside of the church, to a hand on my face. Instantly, I screamed. Lucas had come back for me, only to kill me this time. I guess he changed his mind about not wanting to upset Klaus, whoever that was. I didn't want to know anything about him, if he was worse than Lucas. Snapping back to the present, I opened my eyes to see Alaric. Immediately I remembered that I was naked, covered only by a jacket. All of my other clothes had been ripped to shreds a little while ago.

"Are you okay?" Alaric said, looking away out of embarrassment.

"A vampire attacked me. I'm fine. I just am too sore to walk, I need help. I didn't know who else to call. No one else knows about the vampires and I would have had to make something up. I don't have it in me to make something up." I had cried so much lately, I didn't have any tears left. Always feeling as though I was empty, but never truly being empty until now. I was a shell. A thin, crumpling shell. I had no pain, no fear, no sadness. Only a husk of who I once was.

"What exactly happened, Elena?" Alaric's embarrassment had evaporated. He looked directly into my eyes now, full of compassion. I imagined that this is what a caring older brother would look like. It was weird, I barely knew him, but yet we were friends. The common knowledge of the vampires had somehow made us allies.

"Whatever you're thinking right now, it's worse. That's what happened. Can you please help me get home?" I was being mean to him, I knew it. I just couldn't handle anything else today. Every time I think I have reached my end, something worse comes along.

Alaric looked down at the ground, coming to terms with the reality of the situation he had found himself in. He took off his shirt and gave it to me. It was long and covered my small frame like a dress. He zipped up his jacket, and lifted me from the ground. He carried me in silence to his car. Once inside, no anxiety befell me. I was empty. I couldn't panic anymore, because I couldn't feel fear anymore. I wasn't going to come back from this one. Lucas had taken the last shred of me. I might as well have been a ghost.

As we drove, Alaric didn't say much. I didn't know where to go. If I went home, Jenna would ask questions. She would see that there was something wrong. Where else could I go? Bonnie was a witch, so she would probably sense something was amiss, as well. I didn't want anyone to know about this. It was absolutely humiliating. I only told Ric out of necessity. I would have to swear him to secrecy on the matter. I just wanted to forget about it all, and move on. The last person I wanted finding out about this was Damon. He would undoubtedly blame himself somehow. I didn't want to put that on him.

I was pulled out of my stupor by the sound of Damon's name being said aloud. "Did Damon do this to you, Elena?" Alaric asked, cautiously.

"What? No! He would never- He's not who you think he is, Ric." I snapped.

"He killed my _wife_, Elena. He is exactly who I think he is." Alaric replied flatly.

"He's different. He regrets it, Ric. I know I have no right to-"

"Exactly, you have no right. Just drop it. I just had to make sure it wasn't him." Ric paused, I assume to calm down, before he spoke again. "Who was it?"

"Does it matter? It happened, regardless." I looked out the window, my voice getting smaller towards the end of my sentence. "Look, I can't go home, and I don't have anywhere else to go. Can you please drop me off at Damon's?"

"What? No way, Elena. You were just attacked by a vampire. I'm not going to place you in the care of one directly after that." He turned his nose up at the idea.

"I'm fine, and Damon and Stefan aren't even home. They're in Georgia. I just really, really want to be alone right now." I leaned my head back against the seat, resigned to the fact that I was probably going to lose this fight, and Ric was just going to take me home.

"What if the vampire that did this comes back for you? I'm not trying to scare you, I'm just saying that Damon and Stefan are the only people who live there, which means other vampires don't have to be invited in." Ric was obviously against me going there.

"They don't know I'm alone. No one would dream of coming at me in the home of two vampires. I would be safe there." I was pleading at this point, all of my pride having vanished a very long time ago.

It was only when he turned the car around that I realized he was doing what I asked. He was actually honoring my request. I was relieved. When we pulled into the driveway of the Salvatore boarding house, I let out a sigh of relief. Lucas wouldn't dare come here, not with it being the home of two vampires. I was sure of that. I declined Ric's offer to accompany me inside. Though I was sore, I couldn't take the humiliation of being carried into the house. Poor little Elena, fragile and broken, perpetually unable to take care of herself. I just wanted to be by myself, so I slowly slid out of the car. It hurt to stand, much more than I anticipated, but I held myself as steady as possible. Ric readied to leave.

"Ric?" I called to him. "Thank you. For helping me. For everything, but _please_ don't tell anyone." I looked right at him.

"Of course, Elena. Anytime you need me." Ric looked down, internally battling with something. " I won't tell anyone, for now. Call me if you need anything at all, don't hesitate." He smiled softly in my direction.

I nodded, and headed inside.

I liked the boarding house because while it was spacious, it seemed cozy. It smelled of leather, books, and a little bit of bourbon. If you inhaled in just the right spots, you would smell peppermint and pipe tobacco. I wanted to build a fire, but I didn't think I was strong enough. I walked towards Damon's bedroom, as well as I could. I was hunched in pain. My ribs were bruised, but I knew they weren't broken. My head ached, and my legs screamed in pain. The other pains I felt were too shameful to even think about, so I didn't. Entering the huge bathroom attached to Damon's bedroom, I took off my clothes and looked myself over in the mirror. I didn't know how I was going to explain these bruises to Damon. My body was truly a horror story now. The scars I had put there myself, and now the new cuts and bruises that were Lucas' fault. There was hardly a clear area of skin anywhere. Except my face. Somehow, my face had remained clear and untouched by any of the carnage that I had brought on myself. My eyes blank, and my face expressionless, I turned on the shower. I had to get clean. As I weakly climbed in, covered in dirt, mud, and blood, I was overcome with the feeling of being filthy. I could still feel Lucas on me, everywhere, and I had to get him off. I stayed in the shower for hours. The hot water ran out, but I couldn't finish yet. I was so disgusting. After some time, I was to weak to stand anymore, so I just sat on the ground and scrubbed my skin. I was trying to rid myself of all every trace of the vampire who had done this.

Eventually, I got out, though it had to have been at least four hours later. I looked in the mirror a second time, and it was marginally less frightening. The dirt and smeared blood was gone. I was still covered in bruises, however, and my scars I had given myself remained. I sighed, not feeling. I didn't know how to hide this from Damon. The bruises on my ribs were obviously not accidental. I had a feeling I wasn't going to be able to walk properly for a few days, at the very least.

My head was swimming with exhaustion. I dried off, the best I could, and wrapped myself in a towel. I didn't have any clothes, aside from my jacket and the shirt that Ric had put on me, and both of those were disgusting, they were dirty, and I was sure if I got close enough I could still smell the scent of Lucas on them that had been emanating from me. I was going to have to throw them away. I found Damon's dresser, and pulled on one of his plain, black T-shirts. I hated that I had no underwear, so I found a pair of his boxers, as well. They were much too big for me, but I didn't mind.

When I lied down, and all the tension I had been holding released, it took my breath away. The surge of pain I felt as all of my muscles relaxed was shocking and sudden, I winced, and a few tears sprang to my eyes due to the pain. I felt all of my injuries at once. I stayed as still as possible, waiting for my body to relax. This was all my fault. I shouldn't have gone out alone, knowing that there were vampires out there looking for me. I should have stayed home, where no vampire could get in. I should have known how to kill a vampire. This should not have happened. I could have stopped it, if I had made different choices. What is Damon going to say when he finds out? I am sure he will blame himself, for not being here, but there was no way he could have known I was going to go out on my own. No, this was all on me.

I sighed, the physical pains finally starting to dull, though not going away. The sharpness was replaced by a persistent ache. I was too tired to look for pain relievers, but it didn't matter. I quickly faded into a deep sleep, untouched by dreams. The hollow silence that was my mind while sleeping was almost a nightmare in itself. There was nothing but darkness, and the eerie feeling that Lucas was in the depths of that darkness. He was even terrorizing me in my subconscious. There was no escape for me then, even in sleep. I slept for a while, deeply. I awoke once, around 4am, when Damon returned home. As soon as I saw him come into his bedroom, relief washed over me. Now I didn't just assume that I was safe, I knew I was safe. He seemed surprised to see me, but he didn't say anything. He kicked his shoes off and climbed into bed next to me. He put his arm around me, and though I was a little uncomfortable at the contact, I stayed there. This was Damon. He was here now, and I was safe. In my mind, I was overwhelmed with the thought of confronting him about what happened tonight. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't tell anyone.


	15. Chapter 14

**a/n: I promise to try and update more consistently. I recently got a job, and am now working full time. I was a little bummed by the lack of reviews, but I knew going into this story arc that people may not respond well to it. I will continue to update, whether I get any reviews or not!**

**Thank you to those who have reviewed in the past, and I ask that if you are reading this story, that you would take the time to drop a comment or two letting me know what you think. If you don't like it, let me know! If you do like it, let me know!**

**xoxo**

**Ember to Ash**

"Good morning, sleepyhead."

That was the first thing I heard when I woke up the next morning. Hearing Damon's voice in my ears was so soothing. All of my stress ebbed away, and I got lost in the sultry sound of his voice that was still low and gritty from sleep. I opened my eyes and turned to him, looking into his perfect eyes. He kissed me then, soundly. Our mouths becoming one. He was gentle and slow, but his lips moved with purpose. The way that Damon handled me with such care and admiration was completely different than my experience with Lucas yesterday.

Lucas.

Damon hadn't seen my new injuries yet. I had fairly significant bruising on my thighs, upper arms, back, and torso. Luckily for me, all of the bruises were concealed beneath Damon's T-shirt that I had worn. The cuts I had gotten on my arms and hands I could pass off as being self-inflicted. Damon wouldn't question them. My self-harm really bothered him, for obvious reasons. Self-harm always makes people uncomfortable. So Damon wouldn't mention the new marks on my body, because he doesn't know what to do about it.

"Obviously, I'm glad you're here. I am sorry I was gone yesterday, but, why are you here?" Damon was lying on his side, propped up on his elbow, with his fist under his head. He stared at me with a quirky smile.

"I just wanted to be by myself. So I came here. Plus, I wanted to be here when you got home." I responded. It was true. Though the events that led up to it were left out, that really was the reason I wanted to come here. To be alone, and to see Damon as soon as he returned from his trip.

"Where is your truck?" Damon raised an eyebrow.

"I walked. Didn't want to deal with driving last night." I said quickly.

Damon just nodded, a trace of pain flashing in his eyes. I knew he was thinking about me having anxiety attacks, and probably about the cutting. I knew he wanted to help me so desperately, but didn't know how. No one knew how to help me. Helping me was impossible. I was a lost cause. Strangely enough, I didn't have the urge to cut anymore. I knew that it wouldn't bring me the release I wanted anymore. There was nothing to release.

"I'm here. You're here. What are we going to do today? It's Sunday. The possibilities are endless!" Damon suddenly snapped out of his reverie with a boyish charm that nothing could compare to.

I was so sore and tired, still. I definitely didn't want to go on any wild adventures. I wasn't even sure if I was going to be able to walk.

"We could just stay here all day and make out like a couple of teenagers." I flashed my best mischievous grin, hoping he wouldn't oppose being completely lazy.

"Well, you make quite the compelling argument, Elena Gilbert. Might have to accept your offer." His smile took up most of his face, as he leaned in and kissed me again.

We kissed for a while, with Damon being a perfectly respectable gentleman the whole time. His hands never wandered away from my hair or my face. After a while, he laid back, and hooked his hand behind my knee, wanting me to straddle him while our lips stayed locked. As I began to roll to sit up astride him, my back screamed. My ribs ached, and the pain between my legs was so intense that I lost my breath. I gasped and winced. A few tears were in my eyes again from my body being overwhelmed with the pain. Damon moved quickly. He sat up, with me still on his lap. He supported my weight and turned to lower me back on the bed.

"What's wrong, Elena?" Damon frantically asked.

I was so frustrated. I guess I can't even have a normal relationship now, without Lucas and his actions ruining everything. I was going to have to do everything on my own for a while.

"Sorry, it's just cramps. I'm fine." I said coldly.

"Oh, uh, sorry." He was awkward all of a sudden. "Can I, uh, get you anything?" He scratched his head.

"Maybe a sandwich?" I said, just wanting a moment to compose myself.

"As you wish, my lady. This is a little weird. Turning the tables on bad sexist jokes. We just had a hot make-out session and now _you're _asking _me_ to make you a sandwich." He giggled and strode away. His jeans hanging loosely off his hips, I didn't mind the view while watching him go. The thought of Lucas rushed through my mind. I could feel him on me, in me, hurting me. It was as vivid as the panic attacks I always got where I felt like I was drowning. I didn't panic now, though. I felt nothing. More than feeling nothing, I felt like my insides had been sucked out of me. As I endured the flashback, my face remained emotionless. This was happening to me, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

This was it. The rest of my life was going to be spent thinking about Lucas. Whenever Damon was good to me, I would think about how Lucas wasn't. Whenever I thought about sex, I would think about how terrible it was with Lucas. I wasn't going to be able to do this. I couldn't lie to Damon, and I knew he wouldn't leave me if I told him about what happened, but I didn't want him to have to stay with someone who was so damaged. I was already damaged. Now I am just shattered. Damon deserves someone better than me. He deserves to be with someone who is at least a whole person, not the sad excuse for humanity that I am.

"Here you are, little darlin'." Damon entered the room with a sandwich and a glass of juice.

"Is it made with love?" I joked back, though I don't know if he could tell that I was faking my humor. I know the light of my phony smile didn't reach my eyes.

"No, it's made with bread." He smirked in return.

"Jerk." I punched him in the arm.

I ate, while Damon showered. I knew I needed to shower as well, but I wasn't totally confident in my ability to walk. After Damon exited, fully clothed and with sopping wet hair, I remembered the night I had discovered he was a vampire. I stormed over here in anger, and busted into his room, where he was only wearing a towel. I blushed at the thought.

"My turn." I maneuvered my way to the edge of the bed, gathering the resolve to command my legs to function.

"Why didn't you say so? I would've waited. I would love to shower with you." He smiled, and started to walk toward me.

In my head, I knew Damon was joking. I knew he was respecting that I was seventeen. I knew that he wasn't totally comfortable with my scars yet. I knew he was being a gentleman and waiting to take that step until we knew each other better. I knew all of that, in my head. My body reacted differently, however. I shut down, totally disappearing into a haze. I sat on the edge of the bed, and waited for whatever atrocity was going to take place next. I was aware of how sore I was, because sitting up was difficult. My body was bracing itself for impact once more.

"Elena? Woah, Elena. Look at me." Damon sounded thoroughly confused. This was definitely a new behavior for me.

I was looking at the floor, no expression on my face. Damon was kneeling on the floor in front of me, his hands cupping my face, trying to snap me out of my trance. When my brain caught up with what was going on, I blinked and looked him in the eye.

"Did I weird you out? I was just kidding about the shower thing. I don't want to do anything that's going to hurt you, and-" He fumbled for words. "Well, I assume you've never done that before, and I wouldn't want your first time to be something impulsive like that." He said very gently, trying to get me out of this awkward silence.

His words stung me. I was a virgin, yesterday. I had never done it before, yesterday. I didn't like sex anyway. There is another reason I shouldn't make Damon stay with me. It was gross and dirty. It hurt, too. I was reminded of that by the persistent ache between my legs. When I thought of ever laying eyes on a male's anatomy again, it scared me. I never wanted to even see one of those again, let alone let it violate my sacred space. No, I was going to have to figure out how to end things with Damon without absolutely crushing him. It was selfish to make him stay with me when I wasn't worth anything now.

I rose from the bead, and awkwardly sauntered towards the shower. Every step took more strength than it had yesterday. It took every ounce of my concentration to keep the winces off of my face and to take steps without limping.

"You okay?" Damon asked quizzically.

"I'm fine. Just stiff from being in bed for so long." I made my best attempt to sound normal while I was aching so much.

While I showered quickly, I was relieved at how much tension was relaxed by the hot water. It released my muscles and helped me not to ache so much. As I exited, I noticed my bruises had faded more quickly than I had imagined. After I dried off, I was set back with a feeling of dread. I didn't have any clothes. I had thrown out Ric's shirt and Lucas' revolting jacket. I had slept in Damon's tee shirt and boxers. I didn't know what I was going to do. I looked around the bathroom frantically, but that obviously didn't accomplish anything. If I left the bathroom in a towel, Damon would see the bruises on my upper arms and my chest.

There was a knock at the door. "E? I couldn't find your clothes, so I ran to your house and grabbed some for you." He did? That was really adorable. "Your underwear drawer was particularly intriguing, I must say." I laughed at his boyishness.

A smiled curved on my mouth, and I closed my eyes. He deserves someone better than me.

"Uh, I will just leave them on the bed and go into the parlor for a little bit. Come join me when you're ready." Damon said through the door. A few seconds later, I heard the bedroom door close.

Sighing, I realized I had been holding my breath since I found out I didn't have any clothes. Exiting the bathroom, I dressed quickly. Damon had grabbed underwear and a simple long-sleeved shirt, along with a pair of jeans. Perfect. Still not knowing how I was going to handle all of this, I exited Damon's room and headed for the common area. Resolving to my self that for the rest of today, at least, I was just going to pretend that nothing happened. I was going to be the same Elena that I was yesterday.

Entering the main room of the enormous boarding house, I noticed that a fire had been laid, and the flames warmed the entire room beautifully. It was cozy and safe in here. I looked around, but didn't see Damon. I stepped closer to the fireplace and watched the flames dance.

I felt arms encircle my waist, and a pair of lips at the base of my neck, kissing me. I screamed. Had Lucas found me here? Whirling around, terror on my face, I saw Damon standing back from me. My heart rate tried to slow at the instant relief I felt.

"I am sorry, E. I didn't mean to scare you." He stepped cautiously toward me. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I said, gasping. "Just took me by surprise, that's all." I walked into him, letting him hold me close.

Damon being close to me was the safest feeling in the world. I knew as long as he were here, nothing could get me. I just wish I deserved him. For the rest of that afternoon, I stayed with Damon at the boarding house. He told me that Stefan had stayed in Georgia. He wanted the tomb open, and there was a witch there who might be able to help make it happen.

Lucas wanted the tomb open, too. If he found out that Katherine might get out soon, there was no way he would leave Mystic Falls. He would be here to terrorize me whenever he wanted to. I wish I could tell Damon the truth.


	16. Chapter 15

**a/n: Sorry for it being so long between updates yet again. I have been working a lot of overtime and frankly, this story is really difficult for me to write. I have been trying to figure out how to proceed without making everyone mad. We shall see! Thank you for your patience, and for the reviews that I have received. I appreciate you guys taking the time to read my story, and even more so that you would take the time to let me know what you think. Please keep it up. **

**YAZMIN V: Thanks for your review! To answer your question, Damon doesn't know what's going on for several reasons. 1) He has no reason to think that something bad happened. I will explain more on this later on. 2) He can't "smell" it on her because she showered. For four hours. Threw out the clothes. 3) She is acting strange, but throughout this story, Elena has been a little mental the whole time. Anxiety and depression and self-harm that he already knows about, so he probably thinks that this behavior is due to the same problems that he already knew about. I of course will elaborate more as time goes on, I just wanted to answer your question the best I could without giving anything away. I hope that in near chapters everything will come full circle for all of you.**

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Monday came the next day, as always. I had just woken from a sleep that was full of the same thing as the night before. Dreamless and dark, with the feeling of Lucas waiting in the edges. It was like he was just out of my subconscious sight, but I could feel him. Feeling like he was watching me and waiting for a chance to attack me again. Sleeping at home, without having Damon there, was unsettling. In my head I knew that Lucas couldn't get in to my house, because he wasn't invited in. That didn't stop me from looking over my shoulder every thirty seconds. Jenna had been out with Ric again when I got home last night. I hope that Ric kept his promise not to tell Jenna about what had happened to me. I know she would think it was somehow her fault. She and Damon were alike in that way, always wanting to protect people from everything. I rolled out of bed to get ready for school.

The soreness was noticeably less prominent. I still walked stiffly, but nothing crippling. The bruises were fading, slowly. Those would probably look worse before they look better, but they were all easily concealed beneath my clothes. I looked in the mirror, and didn't recognize myself at first. I was still me. Plain, bland, and nothing special. Staring, I noticed that my eyes were completely empty. There were dark circles beneath them, and there was nothing there. The worst part of this whole thing, is all of my previous anxiety and depression seems completely trivial now. I thought I was bad before. Now I know I am. I'm just this black hole that absorbs everything around me and it just disappears into oblivion. Pathetic and miserable, I walked out of my bedroom and headed downstairs.

When I rounded the corner and went towards the kitchen, I saw Jenna and Ric making out right by the sink. Ric saw me right away, and immediately stepped away from her. "Elena, hi."

Jenna blushed bright red, muttered some unintelligible expletives, and turned so that she didn't have to look at me. I had never seen her so embarrassed.

"Um. Hi, Ric. Nice to see you?" I hadn't intended it to sound like a question, but it had.

Ric looked at me. He really looked at me, in that way you look at someone when you are trying to figure out what they are thinking before they get a chance to make up a fake excuse. He raised his eyebrows in a silent question, and I knew he wanted to know how I was doing. I shrugged, and went for my keys.

"You can ride with me, if you want, Elena." Ric offered. "Save you some gas." I knew he wanted to talk to me in private, and this was the only way he could do that in an unassuming fashion.

I couldn't think of a good excuse to decline his offer, so I left my keys on the hook and made my way towards the door. "Bye, Jenna. You know I think Ric's cool. Don't worry so much." I called to her from across the kitchen. I briefly saw her cover her face with her hand, trying to stifle a laugh.

I crawled into Ric's passenger seat, and the amount of things I felt at the same time were staggering. I had the usual water trying to drown me, but I didn't panic. I resolved to just let myself drown. I didn't care, and I wasn't scared of the water anymore. It was the least terrifying monster I had encountered. Then, I remembered the last time I was in this vehicle. Two nights ago, when Ric had so graciously came to pick me up in the woods. I rode in this car after Lucas had stolen the last piece of me. I could feel the disgusting residue of that night on the seat, and it was awful.

Nagging at the edge of reality, I heard Ric trying to talk to me. "Elena? Hey, Elena, are you with me here?"

I snapped out of it, shaking my head to find myself in the present. Still feeling the water around me, I was confused as to why Ric wasn't drowning to. When I had these flashbacks, I usually couldn't see people around me so clearly. I nodded my head, and the water slowly started to drain out of the vehicle.

"Are you okay? I mean, I know that is probably the dumbest question I could ask you right now." Ric asked, gently.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Making it through." I tried to sound as nonchalant as possible.

"Did you tell your boyfriend?" As much as he tried to hide it, I could hear the disdain in Ric's voice towards Damon.

"No, and I am not going to. He doesn't need to know about it." I was as short as possible.

"A vampire attacked you, Elena. I am sure Damon cares about you, too. Don't you think it would be helpful for him to know?"

"You hate him, Ric. With good reason. Don't pretend like you care about him or what he thinks." I retorted, probably too harshly.

Ric looked at me with pain in his eyes. "You're right. I hate him. I don't hate you, though, and you love him. I think he could help you with this. It's quite the opposite of not caring, actually. I don't even know why, but I care about you, Elena. You deserve to be protected from all of this. I really like Jenna, and your brother. I care about you guys, and I want everything to turn out okay for you."

Unsure how to respond, I sat in silence for a while. "Thanks for caring, Ric. Really. But I'm not telling Damon, because he will only blame himself. I am beyond help, Ric. No one is going to be able to help me now, and there is no reason to put all of this on Damon if there isn't anything he can do about it." I couldn't bear to look at Ric in the eye, so I just stared out the window.

"Okay. Just know I'm here if you need me." Ric was dropping the subject, thankfully.

This was the reason I couldn't tell Damon. All he would want to do was figure out how to fix it. Get revenge, and _help_ me. No one is going to be able to understand that I can't be helped. All that is left of me is a flimsy shell of who I once was. There isn't a fix. I am not even a real person anymore. I have nothing to give, and nothing to redeem. Just emptiness and a tendency for really crappy things to happen to me.

After I arrived at school, I went to my classes in silence. I don't think I said anything out loud the entire time. Shuffling from class to class, listening, observing, but never speaking. I didn't even look anyone in the eye. Bonnie could tell that I was even more off-kilter than usual, but she didn't push me on it. She walked next to me, never saying a word. She even gave me a ride home.

As that school week went on, Ric didn't bring it up again, even though he was at the house almost every night. With him being around so much, I noticed that Jeremy was really starting to get it together. Ric gave him a couple of projects for extra credit, and Jeremy was really starting to pull himself together under Ric's influence. Jenna loved him, I could already tell. I knew he was going to make a quality friend.

Damon was still helping Stefan, so he was in and out of town. When he was home, he would come over to my house, or I would go there. We spent a lot of time together. I think he could tell that I was more vacant than usual, but he didn't ask. I still screamed every time he snuck up behind me. Now, any time he touched me, I would tense up. He still didn't say a word about it.

Thursday night, Damon asked me to come over to his place. This was a normal request, as we usually flip-flopped back and forth between my house and his. I drove there, unwilling to go for walks alone anymore. The water that tried to drown me left when it figured out that I didn't care if I died anymore. When I arrived at Damon's, he met me at the door.

"Close your eyes." He said, as a huge grin stretched across his face.

As reluctant as I was, I trusted Damon. I raised my hand to my face, covering my eyes.

"I'm gonna carry you inside, don't freak out." Damon said so quietly it was almost a whisper, and I felt an arm at my back and one at my knees.

Damon scooped me up effortlessly, and carried me into the house. When he placed me back on my feet and permitted me to open my eyes, I scanned around me to see what all the fuss was about. In the living area, Damon had moved all the furniture, and laid out presumably every pillow and blanket in the house to make a bed on the floor. There was junk food galore, and movies stacked next to the TV.

"What's this?" I asked, awestruck.

"You just seemed kind of extra-sad these last few days. I wanted to make sure you had the night off." He gazed at me.

"Such a party. For no reason?" I quizzed.

"You're a good enough reason. Though I do suppose we are kind of celebrating something."

"What are we celebrating?" I couldn't remember this being a special occasion.

"Sit. I will tell you about it." He instructed.

I sat on the make-shift pillow bed, and Damon began to tell me about his day. He said that he went to the bar today, and Ric was there. He had left after first period for a dentist appointment or something. I suppose afterward he went to the Mystic Grill for a few drinks. Damon said that Ric was drunk and approached him about his wife, Isobel. To make a very long story very short, Ric found out that Damon had not killed Isobel. He turned her into a vampire. Isobel came to Damon, wanting to become a vampire. She did, and then she left Ric of her own volition. Now Ric is just upset, but he doesn't hate Damon anymore.

After Damon finished telling me his story of becoming almost-friends with Ric, I relaxed when he didn't mention that Ric outed me about what happened with Lucas. I wasn't getting better. I was dying. Damon didn't need to be in on it. We watched movies all night, until I fell asleep. I was vaguely aware of Damon carrying me to bed after that. He crawled in next to me, and slept.

Out of nowhere, I started having a new dream that night. Now Lucas was actually here, not just haunting the edges of my mind. He was on me, in me, around me. He was consuming me, and I couldn't get away. Just like I couldn't get away the last time. I was gasping for air as he punched my stomach to get me to stop struggling. He was going to do this again. At the sight of him, I wanted to vomit. I had no tears, only painful screams and rushed breaths as I tried to fight.

Lucas was on top of me, and pinned my arms above my head. Then he suddenly looked worried. "Elena, come on. Elena. Elena, wake up!"

I flashed open my eyes to see Damon restraining me. I was still gasping, but he let me go when he realized I was awake.

"Are you okay? What was that? You've never done that before." Damon questioned as he patiently waited for me to pull myself together.

"Just a nightmare. I'm fine." I wasn't fine. I was scared. I was sore. I was disgusted. I was embarrassed. I was not fine.

"Some nightmare. Wanna tell me about it?" Damon took my hand.

"I'd rather not. Can we just go to sleep?" I replied, probably too quickly.

"Yeah. You sure you're okay?" He asked once more.

The dream was still so fresh in my mind, and it had felt so real. Lucas was everywhere, and I was scared to death. "I'm sure." I finally responded, as the first tears since that night spilled over my eyes. I fought to keep myself from sobbing, attempting silent tears. I failed. Damon saw that I was crying, but just assumed that I had dreamed of my parents, and the night of the car accident. He held me close, and I cried for a long time. I was never going to be okay, ever again. I wasn't going to get better. Damon deserved so much better. My last thoughts of the night before I fell asleep were of how I was going to make Damon want to break up with me.

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**I apologize for the pretty much empty chapter. It did show the week after the rape, though, and how Elena was trying to pretend it didn't happen. I also apologize that I had to rush the Ric/Damon friendship beginning. Just remember that this is solely in Elena's POV, so she has no idea whats going on with them unless they tell her. It was the only way I could do it. I promise the next chapter will have some real progression in it, and I promise to have it out by the end of next week. Review with what you think, please!**


	17. Chapter 16

**a/n: New chapter. Rough chapter. Thank you for your reviews. Please let me know what you think about this piece. **

**STRONG TRIGGER WARNING: CUTTING, PTSD, RAPE TRAUMA**

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Another week passed, Damon spending time with me for most of it. Ever since I experienced the nightmare about Lucas, I was having the same dream every night. Reliving _that night_ again and again. Even though it was two weeks ago, I couldn't deal. I didn't let Damon spend the night anymore, because I didn't want him to ask questions about my nightmares. Ric had stayed over with Jenna for pretty much the entire weekend, and he had noticed my nightmares, but he didn't say anything. I think he just didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything. He would just look at me with pity and hang his head low every time he looked at me.

I was afraid almost constantly. Looking over my shoulder every five seconds. School was torturous, because I never knew if Lucas would get to me there. Every noise, every unexpected touch was instant panic. Damon wasn't immune. I felt safe when I was with him, but my body would react before my brain could shut it down. A gasp, a racing heart. Every time I turned around. Jeremy was always out with his friends, so I barely saw him. Jenna was always with Ric or busy with school, so we barely talked. They knew my anxiety was still as bad as ever, but they expected nothing more.

Ric and Damon were almost friends, now. After I had told Damon what Lucas said about some big, bad vampire named Klaus being after me, they have been trying to figure out who he was and why he wanted me. I couldn't even think about that, because I was too worried about Lucas coming back for me. I could hardly leave my house, and I had shut down emotionally altogether. I stopped talking, and when people would talk to me, sometimes I wouldn't even hear them. The world became a mass of blurred colors. Nothing made sense, and nothing mattered to me.

Damon noticed me pulling away so entirely. I could tell he did, but he didn't know what to do about it. The problem when you're a psycho cutter with uncontrollable anxiety is that no one knows how to act around you. Damon had been able to do it, in the beginning. He was calm and supportive, but didn't treat me any differently because of my mental instability. What would he think about me now? I wouldn't know. We barely talked anymore. He still came over a lot, but we didn't talk. We would read at the same time, or watch TV, or eat, but never talk. He tried to talk to me, but I was so unresponsive.

"I'm worried about you, Elena." Damon said, as I was pretending to read. I was actually lost in the raging insanity of my mind, and I didn't hear him at all.

After I didn't respond for an awkwardly long time, he bumped my leg with his own. "I'm sorry. What?" I replied immediately.

"I am worried about you." Damon looked right in my eyes, like he always had, and I thought he was going to see the darkness that was my soul.

"Why?" I inquired, casting down my eyes so he couldn't look into them anymore.

"You're different. I know you have always been sad. When I first met you I even referred to you as "Girl With the Sad Eyes". I knew about the anxiety. I had been aware of the..." Damon paused, cringing at the thought that was in his mind at the moment. "the cutting."

"And?" I said, urging him to continue.

"You're different." He said, I could tell he was trying to be as gentle as possible. Always the gentleman.

"Different how, Damon? I've always been screwed up." I got a little too snappy. I needed to drive him away, though. He needed someone better.

"You weren't screwed up, Elena. You were and still are going through a hard time. It just feels like lately you have been pushing me out, and I don't know why. You always talked to me before. Now, you never say anything. I know you're having nightmares, still. Ric told me. You didn't really have those before. I just need to know if you're okay." He struggled to say what he was feeling. I knew he just wanted to help me without sounding like a totally insensitive jerk. I knew him well enough to know that he was worried about me and would do anything if it would help me though everything.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's up with the nightmares. I'm really okay, though. I promise." I forced a smile, trying to make it look as genuine as possible.

He sat up and kissed my forehead. "Okay." He put the conversation to rest. I knew he didn't believe me.

Later that night, I sent Damon home, as usual. He was used to getting kicked out at bedtime, now. He playfully put up a fuss every single time, but he would never do anything I didn't want to. After he left, I had a chance to react. Ric had told him about my nightmares? I knew they were hanging out now, but why were they talking about me? I was mildly angry, but mostly just worried that Ric would share more than just what happens in my sleep.

It had been two weeks since I had last cut myself. Two weeks since the last shred of me was taken by a stranger with a vendetta for some clone of me, who is apparently Satan's Mistress. I have to admit, I missed it. The sting, the release. It was morbid, but it was what I knew. I needed it. Now more than ever, I needed it. Everything that was going on in my head was too much. I went into the bathroom, and broke my clean streak. Repeatedly. My thighs now further marred, I went to bed. As I lied there in the dark, I wanted to scream. What was wrong with me? I just wanted to be better. My brain was twisted and rotted. I couldn't make sense of anything, anymore. I went to sleep then, to get back to my nightmares. No matter what I did, they were there. Lucas always waited for me in my sleep.

The next morning, I heard talking downstairs. I heard two male voices, talking in hushed tones. I crept and sat at the bottom of the steps, eavesdropping. Ric was talking to Damon, though now in hushed tones. They didn't want anyone to hear them. Correct that, they didn't want _me_ to hear them.

"I'm worried about her, Ric. She has completely shut me out of her emotional life. I never know what she is feeling, or what she is thinking about." Damon said.

"I know. I've noticed how bad it's gotten." Ric responded, at least feigning trying to be vague.

"She is scared of something. She is always jumping, and looking over her shoulder when she hears the slightest unexpected sound. If I touch her and she doesn't see it coming, she gets scared. It's fast, because as soon as she realizes it's me, she calms down, but I hear her blood pump faster every time." Damon paused. "I don't know what to do, because she won't talk to me."

Ric spoke after a long pause between them. "Damon, there's something you need to know. She asked me not to tell you, but in the light of what's going on with this whole Klaus thing and after this conversation, I think you should know."

I ran into the room, tears streaming down my face. I didn't want Alaric Saltzman to say one more word.

"Elena." Ric sighed as soon as he saw me. He knew he was busted.

"So much for trust, I guess." I was hurt. I knew he was only going to tell Damon because they both cared about me, but I was tired of feeling like I didn't get to decide anything. Ric had made the choice for Damon to know, not me.

"What is going on? What is it that I need to know?" Damon said, with that familiar look on his face that he always got when he was perplexed by deep thought. His eyebrows knitting together, and his lips pursing slightly.

"Nothing. You don't need to know anything, because it's nothing." I said, with my heart racing.

"It's not nothing, Elena. Do you not trust me?" Damon said, almost sounding hurt.

"Of course I trust you, I just..." I trailed off, not really knowing how to finish that sentence.

"Just tell him, Elena. I think it will help." Ric said, quietly.

"You need to go, Ric. I trusted you, and you went back on your word. You told me you wouldn't tell." I motioned towards the door.

After Ric left, there was a brief moment of silence. Damon was the one to break it. "I need you to let me in, Elena. Please." He put his hands on my upper arms, and crouched over to look into my eyes.

I was still kind of crying. "I can't."

"Why not? You can trust me with this. I love you." Damon was trying to be as gentle as possible, but I could tell he was getting a little frustrated. I didn't blame him. It must be miserable to know that there is some big piece of information being kept from you.

"If I tell you, it will change everything." I was panicking, desperately wishing for a way out of this conversation.

"Everything has already changed, Elena. Whatever it is, it has already changed you. I am still here. I am not going anywhere. Is it the cutting or something? Has it gotten worse?" He was fishing now, and I knew he was clueless. The truth was unthinkable. He wouldn't jump to a conclusion like that.

"No. It's not that." I said with an impossibly small voice. "I wish it was that." I looked at the floor.

He hooked a finger under my chin and tilted my face up so that my eyes were inches away from his.

"I can't." I backed away from him. There was no way I could tell him this. He didn't need this darkness to invade him, too.

He was exasperated. "God, Elena, just tell me! I can handle it!"

"Don't yell at me." I said back to him.

"I care about you. I care about you. I care about you. _I love you, _Elena. Please don't keep this from me!" He ran both of his hands through his hair. He was angry. I didn't think he was angry at me, just at the situation taking place, but he looked like he was going to put his hand through a wall.

"I was _raped_!" I finally screamed. As soon as I did it, my hand flew to my mouth. It was out. It wasn't a secret from him anymore.


	18. Chapter 17

**a/n: Settle in, kids. As you guys have been wanting for a couple chapters, now, Damon finally knows. I admit this chapter is probably going to be one of the toughest for me to write, because this is the first and most likely the only Damon-POV chapter. I want to peek inside his brain for a little bit. Bear with me. I know this is a tough story to read, and my writing skills aren't that great, but I am so appreciative of your reviews and kind words. Please continue to let me know what you think of the material.**

**xoxo**

**Ember to Ash**

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_"I was_ _raped!" _

I looked at her, then. I don't know what expression I had on my face, but the look on hers was one of shock and fear. Her hand had flown to her mouth the moment she had said it, and it stayed there, as if her letting the truth out had been a total accident. I felt like all the color had drained from my body. In my mind, I pictured myself looking quite similar to a dessicated vampire. It was like all the warmth had been sucked out of the room. I finally knew why she seemed so cold and empty, because that's how it felt in here now. I looked at her more. She looked terrified of me. I realized I had just been yelling at her a few seconds ago. I had wanted to break the dining room table in half. Being so frustrated with her, for not trusting me.

Falling into a chair, I didn't have any words to say. How could I not know about this? Everything from the past two weeks made sense now. Her pulling away, her being afraid, was all because of this, and I was an idiot to be so blind to it.

"Say something." I heard her voice say, though it was an impossibly quiet tone.

She had wrapped her arms around herself so tightly. Like she was trying to hold herself together. Now that her own shock had passed, she looked at the floor, as if she were embarrassed or ashamed. She looked so young and broken to me, in that moment.

"I am sorry." I said. I was sorry. I had yelled at her. I was also sorry that this had even happened. "Who did this to you? When did it happen? Are you hurt?" I had other questions, but I realized I was overwhelming her.

Still holding herself, she leaned against the wall behind her. She was staring into the distance, thinking deeply about something. "It was the vampire I met in the woods, that night at the party. His name is Lucas. The one who tried to feed on me. It happened two weeks ago, the day you and Stefan went to Georgia. I'm fine, no permanent injuries." Elena talked as if she were reading a news article. Totally disconnected.

I stood up and started to walk toward her, and she tensed up. I put my hands up, to show that everything was okay. "It's okay, Elena. You're safe with me." I said slowly and gently.

"Don't do that." she stuttered, her voice starting to shake.

"Don't do what?" I inquired.

"Treat me like I'm going to shatter into a million pieces at any given second. I already shattered. There is no mess to clean up. I'm sorry I tensed up, because I _know_ I'm safe with you, Damon. Being with you is the only time I feel safe. My body just panics before my brain has a chance to catch up. I just hate that you're looking at me differently now." She finally breathed, saying all of her piece quickly and in as few breaths as possible.

She took a few deep breaths. Closing her eyes and leaning her head and back against the wall, she slid down it on to the floor. It was a sign of defeat. She had given up putting forth the effort to stay on her feet. I joined her on the floor. I sat next to her, grabbing her hand.

"If you want to tell me about it, I'm willing to listen." I said, as gently as I could manage. Truthfully I didn't want to know. I didn't want to hear about all of the awful things that happened to her while I wasn't here to protect her. I could have protected her, and now she has to deal with this instead.

"I don't want to talk about it. Because it hurts to talk about it, and it will hurt you to hear it. But if you have questions, I will consider answering them." She told me, very matter-of-factly. She was trying to shut off her feelings and talk about it like it happened to someone else, like she just read it in a book somewhere.

"What happened that day?" I coaxed, gently.

She closed her eyes again, no doubt trying to go back and remember. I shouldn't have asked her that. "It was the day you went to Georgia. I was hungover, and I decided to go for a run. He grabbed me then. Took me to Old Fell's Church. I was unconscious most of the day..." She trailed off. We were getting into dangerous territory.

"You don't have to, if you don't want to." I emphasized.

"I need to. Alaric knows that it happened, but I have never talked about it. I need to talk about it." She said. After taking a deep breath, she continued. "He took me into the church, and there was a huge hole in the floor. He grabbed me and jumped down inside it. He told me a story of Katherine, how he hated her because she killed his wife. Then he told me that all of the vampires who were supposed to burn in the church in 1864 were actually just trapped in there by a witch, and they're still there."

What? Katherine has been under the church this whole time? I wonder if Stefan knew that. Maybe that's why he was meeting up with that witch in Georgia.

Elena continued, once again. "He told me that it didn't have anything to do with me. He hated Katherine and just wanted to see the look of suffering on her face. Since I have the same face, that's all he wanted. He beat the hell out of me. Threw me into the wall a few times, then he took what he wanted. After that, he picked me up, jumped out of the hole, and left me on the ground. Since he had given me my cellphone back, I called Ric. You were gone, and I couldn't let you see me like that anyway. Wasn't going to call Jeremy or Jenna. I don't have anyone else. I had him take me to your house. You know the rest."

There was a lot of silence, after that. My own eyes filled with tears. I would do anything to give her back what has been taken from her. I held her closely, there on the kitchen floor for quite some time. She cried a little, but I could tell she wasn't feeling very many things.

"What's the worst part?" I asked, genuinely wanting to know, so that I would not contribute in any way.

"I'm scared. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared of him. I'm scared of men, in general. I'm scared of sex. I am so _beyond_ scared of sex, and that is humiliating to me. Thinking about it terrifies me. The fear is the worst. A close second would be how completely disgusting I feel now. But that's a whole other thing." She stated it, her voice small and unassuming. She was trying to disappear, I could tell, but I was glad that she was willing to open up to me.

"I love you. I'm here for you, in whatever way you need. I'm going to take care of you, okay? He isn't going to hurt you ever again. No one is." I stood up, and pulled her to her feet. "Elena. You are not disgusting, and it's okay to be afraid."

I moved her hair from her face. "You should forgive Ric. He is worried about you, and thought I could help. I know he feels bad about breaking your trust, but it was really just because he cares." I offered.

"I know." Was all she said in reply.

Jenna and Jeremy got home later, from a parent-teacher thing at the school. I guess that is where Ric probably ran off to when Elena kicked him out. After we ate dinner together, Elena still asked me to leave. I knew she was self-conscious about her nightmares and was worried I would see her as damaged, but it made me a little uneasy that I couldn't stay with her at night when things were at their worst. I had to remember that she was safe from vampires inside her house, because they weren't invited in. I had to remember that Ric was here every night, now, and he was pretty tough, if things came down to it.

When I arrived back at the boarding house, everything that I had heard about from Elena that day came rushing out of me. My rage, my sorrow, my shame. It all just exploded. I was mostly angry. I was angry at this vampire who did this to her for no reason. He just wanted to take power over someone. Elena was so gentle and pure and small, I was enraged at the amount of violence that had been used on her. I was so sad, too, because she was hurting so much. I couldn't even help her. There is nothing that I can do to take her pain away. There is nothing I can do to give her back what was stolen from her. There is nothing I can do to take her fear away. Lastly, I felt shame, because I was off on a wild goose chase in Georgia, when just the night before, my girlfriend had been almost assaulted by a vampire. He tried to hurt her, and the very next day, I go out of town. If I had been here, it never would have happened, and I was going to have to live with that guilt for the rest of my very, very long life.

I drank. I drank most of the alcohol we had in the house. I needed to feel better. This was too much for me. Images of Elena, crumpled and bleeding, invaded every facet of my mind. I was so drunk that I wandered out to the edge of town, and laid in the road. Just like I had done so many times before. A car came down the road, saw me lying there, and the driver stopped and got out to see what was going on. A man approached me.

"You okay, man?" Said he, a very rough-looking guy.

I flashed up, and compelled him to be truthful. "What's the worst thing you've done?"

"I beat my last girlfriend to the point of hospitalization." He said before he even realized the question.

I snapped his neck, and drained him of blood.


End file.
